13 Years and Running...In Praise of Group Life for Men
13 Years and Running...In Praise of Group Life for Men
For a late night person, the 5:45 a.m. alarm in- trudes into my Friday morning with a rude buzz. I stumble out of bed, mostly still asleep, and make my way to the bathroom to shave, shower and dress. Most nights, I set my clothes aside so I do not wake my wife who usually sleeps until 7:00 or so. This has been my routine for about 12 years, as I have been getting up nearly every Friday morning to meet with a small band of male friends to share our lives and our faith journey together.
The group started in early 1992 when a woman began a women's Renovar group based on Richard Foster's Renovar vision. She then encouraged her husband and several friends to meet together for dinner and consider starting a men's Renovar group. One of the common themes for these men was that each of them had been to a weekend ecumenical Cursillo retreat in the recent past. Inspired by Sandy DeMaster's vision, six men agreed to be- gin meeting together on Friday mornings at 6:30. In a very short while, four other men joined them and the group grew to 10.
Three men dropped out and two others joined shortly thereafter to make nine. Eventually, two men moved out of the area, and then two other men were invited to join, keeping the number at nine. One man did not last long he was very conservative and unable to fl ex well with the group. As of this writing, eight men are still active members of the group. Our group has been, and continues to be, populated by a diverse group of guys: an attorney, clinical social worker, retired engineer, civil engineer, welding shop owner, lumber mill shift supervisor, insurance salesman, marriage and fami- ly therapist, anesthesiologist, city planner, real estate broker, a few pastors, Catholic deacons, book edi- tor, and a pain management specialist. Though many of us were in our early 40s when we began this group, our current age range is 54 to 69. There are several Vietnam veterans, at least one former anti- war protestor, two Roman Catholics from different parishes, and several guys from a number of different Protestant churches.
In a recent article in The New Yorker magazine about Rick Warren's successes in ministry, (The Cellular Church, by Malcolm Gladwell, September 12, 2005) the author stated that megachurches discovered the tremendous value of small groups to meet the needs of church growth and personal development. Gladwell reports, "The small group was an extraordinary vehicle of commitment. It was personal and flexible. It cost nothing. It was convenient, and every worshipper was able to find a small group that precisely matched his or her need." Small groups are a way for men to become close friends in a culture where it is so easy to be a friendless American male.
Robert Putnam (in Gladwell above) states that men in small groups become " one another's best friends. If one person wife gets breast cancer, he can go to the others for support. If someone loses a job, the others are there for him."
In our many years together, we have been through numerous trials and tribulations: local priest and bishop sexual misconduct scandals; the death of one of our daughters at age 18; the death of a grandchild at four months of age; divorce of a member; the physical breakdown of a member from walking to full-time wheelchair use; divorce of an adult child; adult children who are not following in Christ's footsteps and blowing it; dark conflicts with close friends; conflicts within our respective churches; cancer; heart attack and major depression; and various serious surgeries. We have also shared great joys and successes in one another's lives: the marriages of our children; numerous births of grandchildren; remarriage; book publications; marital faithfulness; loving parenting; and so on. Our group format consists of this: checking in, talking and laughing for 15 to 30 minutes, and then bringing everyone up-to-date on the events of the week. We then read a book by paragraph rotation and discuss the contents. We pray with, and for, each other in a "popcorn" style, then end with the Lord's Prayer. During the life of this group, we have read the following books (fully or in part): Devotional Classics; Spiritual Classics; The Divine Conspiracy; The Life You Save May Be Your Own; a Promise Keepers' book; Wild at Heart; and The Purpose Driven Life. Our favorite resource has been Devotional Classics, by Richard Foster and Jim Smith. We have read and re-read this great work many times over the years, and each time it is fresh and new for us in the ongoing challenge of spiritual formation and Christian maturity.
What benefits do we notice from this gathering together each week? To begin, deep friendships have formed with a number of us. There is support during the trials of life, and deeply shared joy during the successes. There is a sense of accountability when we face one another each week. The transparency helps us know that each of us is vulnerable and in need of helpno man is an island. Finally, I would encourage men everywhere to become part of a long-running support group. The readings, discussions, reactions and prayers are significant sources of encouragement in the day-to-day life as men living in the 21st century. As an antidote to the creeping isolation of island living, I can think of nothing better for the modern man. Peter Mosgofian, M.A., LMFT, is Executive Director of The Redwood Family Institute, a multi-disciplinary Christian counseling agency in Eureka, California. He has been an AACC member for as many years as he has participated in this group. Peter also co-pastors the Arcata Vineyard Christian Community with Gale, his wife of 32 years.Take help from telephone psychologist.
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