3 Responses to Your Woman Saying, "We Have to Talk" That Won't Make Things Worse

3 Responses to Your Woman Saying, "We Have to Talk" That Won't Make Things Worse

By Otto Collins

John is dreading going home after work tonight. His wife just sent him a text message that only said "We have to talk when you get home. VERY IMPORTANT."

He thinks that he knows what this is all about. A couple of days ago, John gave his wife some (unwanted) advice about a difficult situation she's facing at work. He made his opinion known and she didn't seem to appreciate what he had to say.

Since their conversation, John's wife has been quiet and distant. She has only spoken to him using brief and terse words. She has refused to talk about her work situation with him any further. He had hoped this would all blow over and that she'd get over it so that things can go back to normal.

It doesn't look like this is all blowing over.

It might be because, like John, you said (or did) some things that your partner is obviously unhappy with.

It could be that your woman has been acting strangely and has been quiet or withdrawn from you and you have no clue why.

When she says to you that, "We have to talk," you might instinctively tense up. You may tighten into a defensive mode in anticipation of the conversation that is coming.

You see, "We have to talk" usually amounts to code for, "This isn't going to be an easy discussion to have" or "You're not going to like what I have to say to you."

"We have to talk" rarely comes just before something like, "You're the best partner a woman could have, honey."

Even if you aren't "in trouble," you may worry that she's about to deliver some bad news and is possibly even breaking up with you.

It's understandable that you might react to her saying that, "We have to talk" in a defensive, closed down and self-protective mode. At the same time, it's not going to help make the conversation you're about to have with your woman any easier or go more smoothly.

In fact, the more defensive and closed down you get, the more contentious and divisive the talk probably will be. This isn't healthy for you or your relationship and it's not going to allow you and your partner to resolve the problem you're having.

Instead, try these 3 responses that WILL help...

#1: Listen, really listen to her.

If you're like most men-- and women too-- when you have the perception that bad news or a criticism is on its way, you tune out the other person.

Especially if you believe that you already know the words that are coming, your inclination might be to stop listening to your partner and to focus on developing your defense of yourself so that you'll be ready when she's done talking.

This is possibly one of the worst things you can do. You miss so much when you tune her out. Even if what she's saying is uncomfortable to hear and even if you don't think she's speaking the truth about you, listen to her anyway.

You two can set up some "ground rules" so that neither of you resorts to name calling or being verbally (or physically) abusive. These behaviors are not okay.

But, it is really beneficial for you to truly listen to her. Even if you see the situation in a completely different way, listen to her with as much openness as you can muster.

#2: Be honest with yourself.

After she's done speaking (or at intervals as she speaks), ask yourself this question, "Does she have a point?"

Part of what she is claiming may seem way off or untrue to you. At the same time, if you really listen, you might be able to see how she has come to the conclusions about you (or the issue) that she has. Be honest with yourself and invite yourself to assess what your woman is saying to you, and maybe about you, in a genuine way.

You might feel triggered by what your partner is saying. There could be past experiences (with her or with someone else) that were similar to this one and, as a result, you feel even more angry, threatened or hurt than you might otherwise feel.

Another aspect of being honest with yourself is to acknowledge it when what you're thinking and feeling about this conversation relates more to something that happened in the past.

This will allow you to be clearer about what you're going to say or do next. You can better know the next move you will make when you determine what's true for you without ignoring her point of view.

#3: Be honest with her.

You may be in the habit of keeping how you truly feel to yourself-- at least when it comes to particular topics. It could be that you've discovered that this keeps tension and arguments to a minimum.

Unfortunately, when you pretend to agree with your partner or you withdraw to avoid a fight, this only builds up the tension and distance between you two.

Be honest with your woman. This does not mean that more conflict in your relationship is inevitable. The way that you communicate what you really think and how you truly feel can make all the difference. Pay attention to HOW you are speaking your truth.

Trust in your relationship will rebuild, communication will improve AND you will most likely feel more relaxed and at ease around your woman when you're honest with her.

While these tips may seem obvious, they aren't always easy to remember and do in the heat of a tense moment. Practice them and remind yourself to respond in these ways when you're communicating with your woman all of the time.

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