Advice for Men: Don't Let Your Jealousy Ruin Your Relationship
Advice for Men: Don't Let Your Jealousy Ruin Your Relationship
By Otto Collins
Ryan cannot believe what his girlfriend just accused him of... being jealous!
Jealousy, according to Ryan, is something that mostly women experience as they continually compare themselves to other women, worry that their men will have affairs with their co-workers or for some other reason.
He never considered the way that he treats his girlfriend to be a jealous behavior. Ryan always thought he was just being protective of his woman, making sure that other men don't take advantage of her.
It never occurred to Ryan that this felt restrictive, controlling and-- yes, jealous to his girlfriend. Now she's asking him to stop, but he's not sure how.
Jealousy comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes.
As you might already know, jealousy might involve spying on your partner, stressing out with worry about what your mate is doing when not with you, meeting your love at the door with interrogating and accusatory questions and more.
Like Ryan, you might believe that mostly (or only) women get jealous. The stereotype of the jealous girlfriend or wife may have helped cement this image in your mind.
This is simply not true.
Men get jealous too. Some jealous men accuse their woman of flirting or giving other men "the wrong impression." Other men fear that their woman will leave them for another man and so they set strict rules about who she is "allowed" to interact with.
Yet other men use body language to "protect" their woman from being looked at or from interacting with other men.
Whether you are jealous in subtle ways or more overt ones, the effect is the same. Jealousy not only leads to tension and conflict in your love relationship or marriage, it erodes trust and causes you and your partner to move further away from one another.
This, most likely, is NOT the kind of relationship you were hoping to create with this woman you love.
If you tend to get jealous, try these 3 tips...
#1: Own up to your jealous habit.
As difficult as it might be to do it, take responsibility for your jealousy. Pay attention to those things that you do that drive your woman further away from you and, if they are motivated by jealousy, take ownership of that.
There are probably things that your partner does that could be changed too, but this is the time for you to acknowledge your role in the disconnection between you two.
As you own up to your jealous habit to yourself, be gentle and kind. Don't add further difficulty by lumping a lot of blame, judgment and self-criticism onto yourself.
It's much easier to overcome a habit like jealousy if you can notice what you usually do, learn from it, forgive yourself and make a choice to do it differently the next time.
#2: Recognize what triggers jealousy for you.
One way to learn from your jealous habit-- on your way to overcoming it-- is to figure out what triggers jealousy for you. Is it a past experience that was so painful that it has stuck with you? If so, start to consciously heal your past and begin to let it go.
Do you hold onto beliefs about yourself, your partner (or women in general) that are fueling your jealousy? Meet these beliefs with questions about how accurate or true the thoughts and beliefs are.
Are there specific habits that your partner has that tend to trigger your jealousy? Without making her the sole one "to blame," come up with requests that the two of you can talk about. Create clear agreements together that you both can feel okay about.
#3: Get clear and calm so that you can be the kind of partner who "lights up" his woman.
In order to have the kind of relationship that you've always wanted-- whatever that looks like to you-- it's really important for you to learn how to "light up" your woman.
This means that you are the kind of partner to her that encourages her to feel adored, special, respected, appreciated and trusted. Jealousy undermines all of these things...and it certainly will NOT help you to "light up" your woman.
Instead, find strategies that work for you to help you calm down and get clear about what's really going on when your jealousy is triggered. Whether it's questioning your thoughts, taking slow deep breaths or some other technique, discover what helps you to overcome jealousy so that you can begin to create the kind of relationship you want.
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