And they lived happily ever after
And they lived happily ever after
And they lived happily ever after
Sigh. Such a beautiful thought. I certainly grew up waiting for my Prince Charming, fully expecting happily ever after to be my fate. And then a terrible thing happened - I met Al. Hmmm - that doesn't sound so good; I had better explain. He certainly wasn't Prince Charming, but he was too good to just pass up. I was in a dilemma, caught between myth and reality, with no model to define my experience and help me make a decision. I was afraid of marriage, yet drawn towards intimacy. Like every other young person in our culture, I had nothing to guide me but a culture filled with fairy tales and an outrageously high divorce rate .
People are an interesting species of animal. We certainly are animals - surging hormones ready to do their part towards the perpetuation of the species; mating instincts are quite intact. But, I would like to think that I want more than a baboon or a peahen does. I also have a human consciousness in addition to my animal self. Because the initial surge of hormonal arousal is so powerful and pleasant when we confront someone of the opposite sex, we have confused it with "love." Our culture has played a big part in this confusion. All of the fairy tales and most of the media - songs, movies, television shows - portray relationships that revolve around this hormonal arousal. People see each other and fall in "love." They feel alive and energetic, surging with the vitality of awareness of their senses and their maleness or femaleness. And this seems to be enough. Truly this is a wonderful feeling, and if we wanted only to mate and then go on our way, it probably would be enough.
We, as a culture, as yet have had no role models for doing this relationship stuff any differently. We are pioneers. Our parents took us as far as they could - for who modeled anything different to them? The era has passed where we are so busy with simple survival that there is no time for anything except getting up in the morning, plowing the fields, doing the farm chores, eating dinner and falling, exhausted into bed to arise early the next day to begin again. Now, we have time. Now we have different expectations. We watch characters in the media relating to each other. We dream of happiness, and make up stories of happiness in the lives of public figures. Even though multiple and public divorces belie these hopes, we continue to believe, with the result that the only explanation we can come up with as to why our lives do not mirror these "happy" couples, is that something is wrong with us. Or, wrong with our mate. We live in shame, or in angry disappointment. And, as it is anytime we take the path of judgment, we are totally missing the point.
Until we accept that we simply do not know how to have relationships, this shame and anger will doom us to endless repetition and disappointment. We will never be able to find a mate perfect enough to compensate for our own fears, wounds and lack of knowledge. That is not the purpose of a mate, anyway. They are not here to heal us, nor is our job to heal them. It is impossible, and any attempts to do so will fail, as will any relationship based on "You take care of me and I'll take care of you." It is normal to be ignorant of how to have the kind of satisfying relationship we dream of. Until we learn, there is simply no way to know.
The hormonal surge we call infatuation or "love" is good for what it is good for - to draw us towards someone. The bond that is established when our two vulnerable hearts perceive each other is a powerful one. (Little ducks hatching to find a man there bond to him, follow him, and must learn from him what they need for their survival. But can we say that the ducklings "love" the man, or is it simply that their primitive instincts have set a survival function into action?)
It is a primitive, animal experience we all have had - with our parents, our siblings, a favorite stuffed animal, the family car... anything in our environment that becomes a part of our own self, an extension of "me." This is a way for us to feel safe in the world, for the world is a part of us. And whenever there is threat of loss or change, we go into primitive reactions of panic, often experienced as anger. The threat is deeper than abandonment - it is experienced as totally earth-shattering, as if we were losing our self. The fight to keep that self, in the form of the Other, leads to enormous confusion and pain in relationships.
In order to live the potential of our relationships, we must begin a long process of learning. As opposed to the popular mythology of our culture (I say that a lot, don't I?) "falling in love" is where the work begins, not ends. We do not find a "true love" and live happily ever after. We find someone with whom to begin to do our learning.
When I read stories to my daughter, when she was young, I always ended them with, "And then they (for example, Cinderella and the Prince) got married and learned how to talk about their feelings and problems, and they had a good life together." (I couldn't be a part of creating another generation of Harrells waiting for her Prince!)
When we realize that marriage is a project, then we won't worry when issues come up. "Problems" are merely the "recess bell" calling us into class we can remember that we are simply learning together. Withcompassion and knowledge, we can free ourselves from the assumptions and issues that unconsciously run our lives.Wedo not have to settle for adaptation to life, but can grow beyond it, to personal and relationship
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