Battered Women - The Dilemma Of Being Guilty Until Proven Innocent
We are told that one is innocent until proven guilty
, as per our Constitution. This premise honors the integrity within each and every human being. However, battered women evolve to live it backwards. They are guilty until proven innocent.
I know this from the back of my hand and I witness it routinely with the domestic violence survivors I help. It's as though they are guilty and guilt ridden until proven innocent. You feel as though something or someone is lurking amidst to make you wrong.
Picking Up Where the Batterer Left Off
Take Jane, for example... If you listen to her speak, chances are you will hear her tell you what a bad girl she is, or how foolish her actions are, or dumb her conclusion can be. Her words kick herself in her own teeth. It's as though she is picking up where her batterer left off...and in that zone, she is "comfortable."
Most likely, she is just familiar and does her self-putdowns habitually and reflexively. My sense is that she isn't even aware that she is doing it. On a primal level, she is guilty until proven innocent.
Assuming Responsibility for Discord and Mishap
Should something go wrong, she is quick to let you know that it is her fault. Her timing is off making her late to the meeting, her phone is causing the static in the connection, her court record establishes her incompetence without there being legitimate psychiatric cause.
Again, she is picking up where her batterer left off. No matter what the situation, she wants you to know that she is willing to shoulder the burden of the mishap around her even when it's clearly not hers to assume.
Being on the Wrong Side of Right and Wrong...Good and Evil
She needs no corrections officer because she is harder on herself than anyone could ever be. As she seeks to regain her self-sufficiency in life, she drags herself through the what-ifs as though the parole officer lives within. She is guilty until proven innocent.
She's done nothing wrong, yet has convinced herself that others already assume her guilt. Her life is imprisoned with this thinking, even though she is out from under the direct control of the man who once battered her.
Are You Your Enemy or Your Friend?
Ask yourself this question... When you do a task, do you assume correctness, completeness and competency? Or, do you privately attach to fear around your imperfections, deficiencies and inadequacies? Lastly, do you assume or anticipate your being hurt, wounded, punished, criminalizedabused?
If you are picking up where your batterer left off, you could be living a life of being guilty until proven innocent. You--and only you--can break this cycle of self-abuse.
by: Dr Jeanne King PhD
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