Be grateful, dammit!
Be grateful, dammit!
Be grateful, dammit!
The other day I said to my son:
"Look here, poppet. I've taken you out to the playground, I bought you a biscuit for a treat, and then I took you for a boat ride on the lake. So, you know, couldn't you stop having a tantrum now and telling me I'm a bad mummy, and, well, thank me instead for such a lovely day and, out of gratitude, behave like an angel for the rest of the afternoon?"
I may be paraphrasing there. It's possible I can't remember my exact words, and that I actually expressed myself a little more... emphatically than that. But I've certainly captured my general sentiment accurately. Why, I mean, ye gods, why can't he be a bit more grateful sometimes?!
He replied:
"Good idea, Mama. Even though I'm only four, and am tired and irritable, your logic is clear and I can see the intrinsic fairness of what you are saying. You have been kind to me, ergo, I should be kind to you. Thank you for pointing this out, I appreciate the ongoing effort you are putting into my character development."
Ahem.
When I think about it, kids don't actually have that much to be grateful about:
1. They didn't ask to be here.
2. They don't understand all the rules, they didn't sign up for them anywhere, but their parents are always banging on about them anyway
But then, it's our job as parents to teach them the rules, right? Well yes I suppose so, insofar as we want them to be capable of forming relationships, communicating well, being generally socially "adjusted" and happy.
Where does gratitude come into all this?
It doesn't. Rules are great for learning to say "thank you" and smile when someone gives you a present, but they've got nothing to do with how we feel on the inside.
Gratitude is a feeling, and like all feelings it's spontaneous, it comes and goes of its own free will. I can demonstrate it, but I can't teach it.
As adults we can sit on a cushion if we choose and cultivate gratitude, compassion and so forth, but I reckon that a lot of this process for us involves removing our attention from our thoughts, judgements and attitudes which overlay our feelings and stop us from just... well, feeling them. We have the gratitude there, within us... wait, it's under here somewhere... if I lever up this big boulder of resentment I'm pretty sure there's a bit under there... see? Slightly squashed and crumpled, but still recognisably... Gratitude!
Kids are plenty grateful. When they are grateful, they show you. When they aren't, they don't. Brilliant.
Maybe you detected my little fib above. You are right, my son didn't really say those things in reply to me, he said "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" and carried on with his tantrum. At the time, it totally exasperated me. But in retrospect, of course he did. That's how he was feeling, right then and there.
But he didn't slam his door! Them's the rules.
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