Breaking Up - Why Wallowing Is Okay

"Move on," is one of the first things that well-meaning friends tell us after a break-up

. "Get back out there."

They love us, our friends, and so they don't want to see us in the pain that makes us replay the Pretty in Pink after-prom kissing scene on our TiVo over and over like mental patients (no offense, mental patients), stuffing potato chips and Twizzlers in our mouths, chasing them with our tears. Our friends and loved ones want to help us skip over the wallowing and get right to t he good life lessons and the warm feeling of satisfaction of understanding that this break up was for the best.

But that comes later. First, the wallowing.

Wallowing, despite its bad rap, is actually kind of good for you. You replay every conversation you ever had, reexamining each one to ask yourself if one better-placed syllable might have made the whole thing turn out better. You play the songs that used to make you warm and fuzzy and now just make you feel... bereft. You eat stuff you shouldn't, you drink stuff you definitely shouldn't drink. You talk to your friends, your cat, the sofa cushions. You obsess about where your loved one is, the one who used to text you to say good morning and now has inexplicably disappeared from the face of your earth. You Facebook stalk. You feel a distinct lack of desire to move.

Nothing feels worse than the days after a break up. But wallowing has the vital role of helping you feel the pain. You can't get over anything until you really feel it. So, play the songs. Look at the pictures. Cry your eyeballs out. Plot to get your loved one back. Blame yourself, then get furious about how you've been wronged. It's all part of the process.

The key to using wallowing to your advantage is knowing when to let it go. Don't cheat yourself of any wallowing time, but don't let it become your habit either. While this phase of getting over a break up is different for everyone, a good rule of thumb is that you should give yourself no more than 3 days of paralyzed wallowing (no getting out of bed except to pee) and no more than 2 months of the low-level wallowing during which you still think of your ex every day but pretend to the world that you are moving on.

After 2 months of pretending, it's your job to start moving on for real. You are fabulous, and the world needs you to eventually get out of your wallowing cocoon and fly.

by: Jennifer Taylor

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