Busted! What To Do When Your Spouse Finds Out That You Lied
Busted! What To Do When Your Spouse Finds Out That You Lied
By Otto Collins
Justin has just been busted. He's been lying to his wife about where he's been going every Thursday evening for the past several months...and now she's discovered the truth, sort of.
About 6 months ago, one of Justin's friends took him to the racetrack. They had a great time betting on horses, drinking beer and hanging out and decided to make it a regular, weekly outing. Justin hasn't felt this free since before he got married. While he loves his wife deeply, sometimes he feels penned in and restricted in their relationship.
This once a week gambling and drinking night with buddies seemed to Justin like an harmless way to relieve tension and get a little crazy. The trouble is, Justin knows all too well that his wife disapproves of gambling. She has strong morals and betting on horse races is something she frowns upon.
The last thing that Justin wants is more tension or hassle in his life and so he's been lying to his wife. He told her that he was attending a weekly Bible study class at a local church. He felt guilty when he made up this story, but he believed it was the only way to maintain his gambling night with friends and the peace in his marriage.
Last night, Justin's wife confronted him with their bank statement. Because he doesn't always come out ahead on his bets, Justin often has to get creative with their finances. At a recent race, he lost a significant amount of money and he wasn't able to cover it up in their bank accounts.
So now, the s#$% has hit the fan because his wife now knows he's been lying. The even bigger trouble is that his wife is convinced that he's spending money on another woman and not at the horse races. She won't believe him when he tries to tell her the truth.
Now what?!
There is a wide range of things that you may have been lying to your wife about. These could be things that seem-- to you-- to be "white lies" and not a big deal. Or, they could be lies that you are telling her to hide the fact that you're doing things like communicating with an ex, flirting and even having an affair.
Your lies may be along the lines of opinions and information about yourself that, for whatever reason, you have chosen to keep a secret.
Whether or not your lies are an attempt to cover up some betrayal such as cheating, there's no doubt that lying of any kind can cause serious damage to your relationship. When your partner discovers that what you're saying just doesn't add up (or that it seems suspicious), conflict, broken trust and disconnection usually follow.
First, be honest with yourself.
Before you go to your woman with an apology and attempt to repair the damage, take some time to be very honest with yourself.
Ask yourself why you decided to lie. Could it be that you made an assumption that your spouse just can't handle the truth? If so, do you absolutely know if that is the case?
What is the dynamic going on between you and your partner that possibly contributed to you covering up or changing the truth? Ultimately, are you lying because-- deep down inside-- you don't want to be in this marriage any longer?
Get real with yourself. Until you know better why you lied, you really can't effectively communicate with your partner about it.
Be honest and open with your spouse.
Once you've come to some greater clarity about why you lied and what you want for your future and relationship, now it's time to sit down and talk with your spouse.
If you find yourself getting defensive or blaming her for your decision to lie, stop yourself. Even if you're mid-sentence into a blame, stop yourself. If necessary, provide indisputable proof for what the real truth is if she won't believe you.
In order to re-connect, you're going to need to take responsibility for your actions and your choice to lie. Don't make excuses, but aim for a mutual understanding of the bigger picture.
If there are habits that your woman has which you believe played a role in you feeling like you "had" to lie, you can be honest about them. Again, be sure that you take full ownership for your lying before you move on to what you see is her part.
You might convey to her that, "I was afraid you would get angry if you knew that I gambled," for example. Or, "I was worried that I'd lose you if I told you the full truth about my past."
Focus mostly on how you felt and also how you feel now.
After you've spoken, be sure to really listen to your partner. She may have strong emotions and strong words to go with those emotions about being lied to. As difficult as it is, listen to her and try to understand where she's coming from.
Be open to her requests for ways that you could make amends for lying. Make sure that you only agree to those actions that you actually will follow through with.
If she's willing to rebuild trust and re-connect with you, create a plan together and then put it into place.
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