Can A Cheater Ever Really Be Reformed
You've heard many people warn their friends or loved ones "Once a cheater
, always a cheater," or "He/she will never change." I have always subscribed to those notions as well, but I decided to delve a little bit deeper into the topic of cheating and people who have affairs, for the purpose of this article and to figure out where the evidence actually points.According to relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, who's book, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, examines this issue of cheaters from the female perspective, "If they're willing to put in the time and effort and acknowledge they have an issue, then there's a chance they won't cheat again. But if they think, I can get away with this. My father was like this, my uncle was like this, all my buddies are this way,' then you don't have a shot in hell of reforming this guy. And no woman should try to reform a guy anyway because it's a lost cause."
In contrast, one spurned husband whose wife cheated commented on a message board on the popular website, The Frisky, "Only by an inner desire to change will a person ever depart from promiscuous activities and learn to be with one person. Otherwise, people who know they cannot stay with one person should never get into that kind of long-term, one person situation." He also goes on to be emphatic that, "Women cheat just as much as men, so let us stop all the misconceptions." And I do agree that men tend to get the brunt of the cheating blame. According to numerous statistics, not just in the United States, but in other countries, women are having affairs and cheating more and more in recent years. Marital infidelity is a two way street now.
On the website ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com an advice columnist had this advice for a long- suffering wife of a chronic cheater who asked if her husband may ever become faithful to her; "Will your husband ever stop cheating? Perhaps, but probably only if you "Bobbitt" him (as in John Wayne Bobbitt, whose ex-wife Lorena Bobbitt famously chopped off his male appendage).
In all fairness, the columnist then went on to state, "You deserve better treatment, a better relationship, and a better life. Your children will respect you more and have a better self esteem if they see that you will not allow yourself to be made unhappy and abused. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. He is choosing to cheat on you. You might think this is about the other woman, that they hold some power over him. It's not about the women, though. It's about him. He's choosing not to exert self control." Well put.
This brings me to the distinction between the chronic and habitual cheater versus the one-time slip-up cheater. Then there is the man or woman who chooses to have an affair. Other variables in trust and forgiveness come down to those who confess to cheating versus those who attempt to hide their adulterous behavior, only to get caught by accident.
Of all three of these types of people who cheat on a spouse, it seems that the one-timer who confesses to cheating is the most easily forgiven, the person who is having an affair is obviously looking elsewhere, not just for extramarital sex, but also for companionship that they are somehow lacking at home, and most people feel that the chronic compulsive cheater is the certifiable narcissist and a "lost cause."
And as one self-proclaimed "reformed cheater" puts it on his self-accepting blog about his own shady past involving multiple affairs with other women, "I did not want my wife to suffer any longer, so I totally stopped. What it is that helped keep our marriage alive, and also helped deepen our intimacy, [that] the experts don't exactly tell you is "LOVE." Hmmm sounds a little overly simplistic and I detect a definite lack of personal responsibility.
I think the bottom line is that many cheaters are egocentric and narcissistic by nature, and it is those very personality traits, which lead to cheating or thinking about cheating, that tend to be hurtful and confusing to a spouse who is on the receiving end of this poor emotional treatment. My conclusion is to steer clear of these personality qualities that seem to be the hallmark of many men and women who cheat on a spouse.
Can A Cheater Ever Really Be Reformed
By: Cheatconfession