Can DIY Relationship Repair Really Work?
Can DIY Relationship Repair Really Work?
Can DIY Relationship Repair Really Work?
By Susie and Otto Collins
It seems to Jessie that his relationship is in dire need of repair. He and his fiance bicker and argue with one another constantly. She nags at him and is often disappointed with him. She also has a jealousy problem.
Jessie doesn't claim to be completely without blame for their relationship difficulties. He knows that he has a tendency to be defensive and secretive...and to drop the ball from time to time too. He can see that they both have issues that they could work on. It all seems overwhelming at times.
Can they really turn their relationship around and get it back to a place where it's passionate, loving and close?
Should they go ahead and get married even with things as contentious as they are?
There are all kinds of problems that a couple in a love relationship or marriage might face. One (or both) of you may have had an affair and you two are trying to rebuild trust. One (or both) of you may have a jealousy habit that has led to accusations and defensiveness.
You two may have difficulties when it comes to intimacy, lovemaking, trust, communication and more.
When you can identify what your relationship challenges are and you have an idea of the kind of relationship changes you want to make, you're taking an important first step.
Repairing or fixing your relationship may feel kind of like a DIY (do it yourself) project. You may be asking yourself whether or not this is beyond your ability to effectively handle on your own. You may be wondering if you should call in an expert.
Or, you might feel like this is something you and your partner can work together to change on your own, but you're stumped about how to get started.
Our answer to the question, "Can DIY relationship repair really work?" is a resounding "YES!"
There are countless couples who have successfully brought about the kind of improvements to their relationships and lives and that they wanted. Infidelity, lying, jealousy, mistrust, anger, resentment and cold distance have all been "fixed" with careful and deliberate attention and effort.
There are also countless cases in which a couple benefited from the guidance and information offered by a professional counselor, coach or therapist.
Know when to call in an expert.
There is nothing weak or indicative of failure when a person (or couple) decides to go to counseling or therapy. In fact, sometimes this is the best way for the necessary learning and change to happen.
Try to take as objective as you possibly can look at your relationship as it stands right now. Consider these signs that you might show you need an expert's help.
--There has been a complete communication breakdown.
-- The problem seems beyond your ability to understand or deal with.
-- There has been violence or abuse either in the past or currently.*
-- Either you or your partner feels unable to handle this without outside help.
-- You two communicate, but it's apparent that you're not hearing one another.
Based on what you observe of your relationship, make the decision that makes the most sense to you at this time. Know that this may change.
How to successfully DIY repair your relationship.
If you've decided to "fix" your relationship problems by yourself, you can still get help and support. There are many free or relatively low cost resources available that teach strategies and techniques to address the challenges you may be facing.
Visit your local library or search the internet for ideas. If there is a trusted family member, friend or mentor in your life, you might ask him or her for advice too.
What's most important about the DIY process is that you only put into practice those strategies, techniques and ideas that truly resonate for you. Choose actions and changes that feel doable and that you really are willing to do.
If you are merely saying "Yes, I'll try that" to your partner as a way to get him or her off your back, this is destined to fail.
Talk honestly with your mate about how this new way of interacting with one another might look. Come up with example scenarios and practice these different ways you both might respond to a tricky situation...before you're literally in the situation.
Above all, stay open and listen. Listen to yourself so that you can know what feels reasonable and doable. Listen to your partner too with the desire to understand what is true for him or her.
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*If abuse or violence is present in your relationship (whether you are being abused or doing the abusing), please consider putting some physical distance between you and your partner for at least a temporary period of time and seek help from a professional.
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