Can You Save Your Marriage? Find Out From Marriage Counselor.

How to Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to save

your marriage and to stop your divorce, Part 8 - Your Support System:

As you know by now, having problems in marriage is NORMAL; hell, wanting OUT of your marriage is becoming more and more normal, and over half of marriages end up divorce in the first five years alone, so I guess you can say getting divorced is normal. Everyone has problems, and most people I know in a relationship want out at some point in the relationship; the only question is how you deal with them, are you able to find solutions, & is your relationship with your spouse increasing in love, passion & happiness? Unfortunately, although every marriage has problems almost every marriage is unable to solve them and experience an abundance of the passion, fulfillment & love you want. Instead, almost every marriage is marked by avoidance; passive-aggressive behavior; blaming & defensiveness; anger & stress; unresolved conflict; distress; dissatisfaction with your partner; bitterness & resentment.

And each marriage like this has a UNIVERSAL characteristic...none of them have a support system. What this means to you if you want a different, better, marriage; a marriage overflowing with peace, fun, happiness, love & passion; if you're SERIOUS about stopping your divorce and saving your marriage; you will get a support system as fast as possible. What I mean by "support system" isn't having friends. Everyone has at least one person they consider a friend. No, I mean a group of people (two to three, & more if possible) who will love, support, comfort, encourage, help, accept, & CHALLENGE you - without a fear of loss of relationship on their part. And if you have marriage problems which aren't getting resolved & your dissatisfied in your marriage, then I can tell you right now, you don't have a support system.

I clearly remember when my marriage problems were at their worst, and, when I began to realize I could achieve success, even in the midst of divorce. For the longest time I hid out in my cave, like a true caveman. Don't get me wrong, I liked my cave; I had a great TV and sound system, comfortable bed, nice deck, good food to eat, nice curtains. But I was alone, isolated. I had friends too, close friends...or so I thought. You see, even though I had friends who I considered close, they really didn't know me. They didn't know me because I wasn't real with them (being congruent, which will get into at a different time). And as a result, I suffered. I didn't get the help I needed. I didn't get the encouragement or support I needed. I didn't have the ability to test my thoughts and experience against reality. Notice I've been using the word needed. Yes, I needed these things, but I didn't want them...

because my pride was too important

And like Scripture says, "Pride comes before the fall." And it did for me. It was more important for me to seem like I had it all together. I cared too much about what (negative) things people would think if they knew I had marriage problems. After all, I'd gone to school to study this marriage stuff; I was working with couples; how could I have problems in my own marriage. Wasn't I supposed to have it all figured out by now? Plus, I was a Christian; I was active in my church, I was even leading a marriage group. Who struggles in church? :) ...It wasn't really my pride...it was, but it wasn't because behind the pride was really a...

Deep sense of shame!

I was afraid of rejection, being mocked, being "found out". I was afraid of what I would lose if I was honest. I was afraid of the unknown. My marriage problems were my secret, and my secret was poisoning me. It was like a cancer, eating me from the inside out. What would me friends think?! What would the Pastor say?! What would my parents think?! What about her family!? I felt like an utter failure, and taking the chance to find out if I really was in reality was too much to risk.

It wasn't until I was already on the verge of divorce when I realized I no longer had anything left to lose. I figured I might as well be honest; I might as well risk it all because I had nothing left anyhow. And when I did, I discovered something wonderful...the support, the acceptance, the love, the encouragement, the help I needed flowed to me. All my fears were dispelled! I now began experiencing all kinds of solutions because I had opened the door for people to speak into my life. I wasn't stuck any longer! I didn't feel alone or isolated anymore!

Your support system is KEY! It is your lifeline to success. You CANNOT succeed on your own; you will not be able to save your marriage on your own. And if you don't believe me, then check out your own experience in your marriage - is your marriage where you hoped it would be? Is it continually growing and improving? Or are you more and more bogged down by the junk and crap which takes out most couples? I know you didn't want to end up divorced - yet this reality is fast approaching you.

You really do need two to three people who you can be honest with about your struggles, difficulties, problems & challenges and who in return will encourage, support, comfort & challenge you. Not your buddies who will tell you what a bitch your wife is; not your girlfriends who will tell you you deserve a better man than your husband. Those "friends" who simply help you tear down your spouse or who simply let you sit there and tear down your spouse, allowing the negativity without any balance, aren't doing you any favors.

Am I telling you your friends suck?

I don't know. You tell me? Are they simply there for the good times, for what they benefit from being with you? Or do they truly and ACTIVELY pursue your best interest - even when you aren't? Are they willing to challenge & confront you? Are they willing (and do they) tell you the truth? Are they an advocate for your husband or wife just as much as they are for you? Are they willing to risk your anger & rejection to tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear? These are all aspect of a support system.

A company has a board of advisers, athletes have coaches, artists (musicians & actors) have agents, children have parents. These are all types of support systems. The basketball player may not like what his coach is telling him, but the coach doesn't care if the player likes what he's saying. His job is to tell the player what he needs to hear in order to play to his highest level. Children will throw tantrums, yell, kick and scream, when their parent tells them 'no' or won't let them do something the child wants because the parent knows what's in the child's best interest (hopefully). And a good parent will not care if the child gets angry or be afraid of the child's anger or simply remain silent because they're afraid of how their child will respond. No! The parent does what's in the child's best interest for the good of the child (again, hopefully).

Should the people you count as friends be any different?

If your friends aren't acting accordingly, I'd say you have two options. One, get new friends, or two, ask them for what you need from them and give them an opportunity to respond and meet you where you're at. Regardless, if you want a successful marriage (not just to save your marriage), one which is constantly increasing in the experience of love, happiness, fulfillment & passion you want (and decreasing in the amount of arguments, unresolved conflict, anger, bitterness or resentment, & stress you're experiencing) than you will take fast, immediate & massive amounts of action in order to develop a support system for your marriage.

P.S.: Was this helpful to you? Did you learn something new or were you reminded of something you needed to be reminded of? I'd love to hear your comments or questions! Either leave a comment or email me. If there's someone you care about & think this might be a benefit to them as well, do them a favor and "Pass it on!"

by: Saving Marriage Guaranteed

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