Caring For A Difficult Older Adult
Once he's settled and you've established a caregiving routine
, he's likely to resume his usual patterns of behavior -- and may even become more difficult. Crises are frightening, but the long haul can be harder. It'll probably last a lot longer, too. You may require additional strategies to help you care for him on a daily basis.
* Talk it through. Try addressing the situation directly as soon as problems arise. Say something like, "I know we've had problems getting along, but I'd like to do it differently from now on. Can we talk about how to do that?" Try to listen to what he has to say without getting defensive. Use "I statements" when you explain your experience ("I felt as if you were angry at me just now" rather than accusations such as "You act like you hate me").
* Prepare to have your buttons pushed. If you consider the history of your relationship, you'll likely find some recurring themes. Maybe your dad always compares you unfavorably to your siblings or blames you for your two failed marriages. Identify these common trigger points ahead of time and simply ignore him when he touches on them. Instead of reacting angrily or getting hurt, gently change the subject -- as many times as you need to -- until he gets it.
* Try something different. If your interactions are uniformly negative, think about how to change the dynamic. Are there less stressful ways that you can spend time together? If sitting together and talking usually ends in an argument, offer to clean his attic, weed his garden, or cook him a special meal. If you visit him at the nursing home and all he does is complain, suggest taking him out for a drive or lunch. Or take a tape recorder and interview him about his past. Read a book together, if he's up to it, or help him put photos in an album as a If your schedule doesn't permit regular breaks or time for yourself, you're headed for burnout and you need to do something to remedy the situation. If no one in your family or community can step in, check with your local agency on aging to find out if there are any respite care services available.
o Join a support group. A caregiver support group gives you a place to unwind and share your story with people who are having similar experiences, which can be restorative.
o Seek counseling or mediation. If the person you're caring for is able and willing, try seeing a counselor together. She can help you communicate more effectively and change some of the patterns that have poisoned your relationship.
o The tough get going. If you've tried everything and your interactions are uniformly unpleasant or worse, it's time to consider other alternatives. Talk to family members or close friends and see if you can find ways to minimize your contact with the person. Offer to take on caregiver should be abused.
o Have reasonable expectations. With patience and lots of luck, you may be able to make a breakthrough in your relationship with the person you're caring for. But it's important to keep your expectations relatively low and to be willing to practice a little acceptance when things get rough.
The fact is that most people don't change much: He's unlikely to grow substantially less difficult, no matter what you do. You could have years of caregiving ahead; if you go into it with an open heart, it can present an opportunity for growth and healing -- despite the many frustrations along the way.
o Be open to a new relationship. In the movie The Savages, two adult children are wrenched from their respective lives and thrown together to care for their elderly father. The father was abusive and distant when they were young, and they haven't seen him in years. The movie neither dwells on this history nor glosses over it, and there are no tearful reproaches, apologies, or reconciliations. The fact is that the father is now a confused and helpless old man -- and his children rally to help him.
In the same way, you may find that being a caregiver is different from being that person's child or niece. No matter how flawed he is, in the end he's still someone you're connected with, and he needs your help.
Caring For Difficult ParentWhat To Do If A Difficult Person Youre Caring For Gets Even More Difficultby: Caring Editorial Team
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