Codependency and Alcoholism

Codependency and Alcoholism

Codependency and Alcoholism

Codependency and Alcoholism

I once knew an alcoholic who hid bottles all over hishouse, fearing that one day he would find himself withoutbooze. That horrible day happened, on a Sunday when theliquor stores were closed. He walked for miles until,nearly crawling on his hands and knees in desperation, hefound a bartender who sold him a bottle of vodka. Then,as soon as the bottle was in his possession, he was fine.He went home and didn't even take a drink. Having the alcohol in his house was more important than drinking it,and as soon as his relationship to the substance had beenrestored, he was all right again. That's what I see in manyrelationship addicts. It doesn't matter whether they'reintimate with the object of their desires, they just need thebody around to be okay. It's not who the person is thatmatters, it's just not being able to tolerate the state ofbeing alone. If not being alone is your goal in life, you areundoubtedly a codependent, and you have most likely hada lot of difficulty establishing and sustaining relationships.

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In gambling, anticipation of the game is more exciting than the actual act. It's a life-and-death situation, sothe anticipation is more rewarding. The same thing happens with food: the anticipation of the act of eating it ismore rewarding than the act itself. That also applies forrelationships: the dreaming of what's going to happen ismore rewarding than the actual relationship.

As long as other people are needed to form youridentity, you will be living in an emotionally addictivestate. As long as you are operating out of externals, where your identity comes from what you do or who you're with rather than who you are, you will never achieve the sepa-rateness that is necessary for two people to be trulyintimate. Working on that identity is the last thing mostcodependents want, because they're so used to focusingon others. The thought of working on themselves fillsthem with despair, for it means a complete turnaround intheir lifelong direction, and of relinquishing the idea ofwaiting for someone else to provide them with a sense ofself. They hate having to face the realization that it won'tever happen.

When codependents decide to break free from theiraddiction to a relationship and seek their own identity, thepeople who depend on them to stay the same will doeverything possible to change their minds. They willcreate emergencies, threaten to leave, and act out in allsorts of diverting ways. Because they will inevitably meetthis opposition, codependents need help, and I believe thebest kind available for codependency issues is grouptherapy. Although one-on-one therapy has its place, working out problems with a group helps unmask the incredi ble delusions that go along with relationship addictions.Hearing stories similar to your situation rather than yourown voice session after session helps break through thedenial process. It's hard to keep up the pretense whenfour or five people within a circle are telling your ownstory in your own words with different names for thesame characters, and when you join them in the chorus of"me, too," it strengthens your resolve when you go hometo bank the fires burning out of control as the people who had it so good when you were acting addictively desperately attempt to undermine the good you're doing foryourself.

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