Common Questions on Raising Your Daughter

Common Questions on Raising Your Daughter

When it comes to raising our daughters we all have certain things that we wonder about. I know there were many questions that I had and many questions that I get asked so I would like to share some of those along with some insights into what I have learned through my own experience and the experience of others that have used these same tools.

Q. Every morning without failure, it's a battle at our house. It all starts from the moment my daughter gets out of bed until she leaves for school. Fighting with her about making her bed, what she is going to wear, getting ready, what she's going to have for breakfast and it goes on and on. We say awful things to each other and after she leaves I feel emotionally drained and my day hasn't even started yet. How do I turn this emotional battle ground into a more pleasant and enjoyable morning?

A. Believe it or not this is something that a lot of mothers face. I know it is hard to keep calm when all hell breaks loose but by fighting with your daughter you are adding fuel to the fire. The first thing that I recommend doing even before your daughter gets up is to check and see what is going on within you. What are you feeling? Are you dreading the fact that she is going to get up soon knowing that the same thing is going to happen? Are you carrying any negative energy from the day before, either with the situation that occurred between the two of you or something that happened at work, in your relationship or maybe even with one of your other children. Do what I call a complete attitude check . If you notice anything that you may be feeling that isn't in alignment with how you want your day to go then let it go before your daughter gets up. If you are holding on to any negative energies then your daughter will sense those energies and respond the only way she knows how.

A very quick and simple exercise that you can do to release these energies is to stop for a moment and look around the room. Get really present to want is around you. Notice everything in the room in which you are standing. Now notice any thoughts or feelings you may be having and where they are located in your body. Take 3 big deep breaths. As you exhale, imagine the thought or feeling leaving your body. Once you have done this you will feel relaxed and calm. Now you will see things in a whole different light thus responding to her differently which in turn will cause her to respond to you differently. Something else that is very affective is to imagine what you want your morning to look like. Visualize how you want things to go between your daughter and you. See it as if it is happening. When you do this exercise it is important to get very clear and specific as to what you want. Before going to sleep the night before is a perfect time to do this but it can also be done before rising in the morning.

Q. My daughter thinks she knows it all. Everything I say is wrong. She expects to do exactly what she wants and doesn't want to abide by the rules.

A. A mother's instinct is to protect her daughter and although that is the intention your daughter see's it to be totally opposite. She thinks that you are trying to control everything she says and does as a benefit to you. In some cases this may be true. Trying to take control of your daughters life is essentially the problem in a lot of situations. We are convinced that we are right and that whatever we say is in the best interest of our daughters. This is why daughters become rebellious and lash out. They feel that you are being unfair and unrealistic. It is important not to expect your children to change for your benefit so that you will feel good. They are unique individuals that need to be accepted for who they are. Although it is extremely important to set boundaries it is also extremely important to make sure that your daughter understands why that boundary is in place and the benefit that it will be to her and not to you. So many times as a mother we provide these rules without our daughters knowing why we have implemented them. I hear many mothers respond to their daughters with because I said so. This has been typical of mothers for many generations. I remember my own mother saying that to me and never really understanding the reason for it.

Kids are bombarded with rules. There are rules for this and rules for that. Rather than giving your daughter rules to follow, change your approach. Discuss the idea of setting some boundaries that will provide a mutual respect for both her and yourself. Talk to her about the boundaries and ask her what she feels is fair. By doing this you are no longer coming from control but from a mutual understanding. You will find that she is much more receptive and that you will come to a much more satisfying agreement.

Learning to communicate by use of questions is very beneficial and will make your daughter feel more important and happy that she gets to be part of the decision that in some way is going to benefit her life.

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