Conflict And Its Benefits
Conflict has several benefits
Conflict has several benefits. First, conflict may reveal the ineffective ways you are attempting to get your own needs met. Solomon wisely observed, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but the ends are the ways of death (Prov. 14:12). Habits or behaviors that seems normal or right to you can actually lead to destruction of a relationship. Conflict will reveal that need.
Just as anger can serve as a friendly notifier of a need in you or in someone else, so can conflict. Properly handled, conflict can serve as a doorway to better relational harmony. Why? Because conflict, like anger, can reveal a need that God wants to meet for your benefit and His glory (Matt. 5:16).
King Solomon acknowledged the sincerity of a person pursuing a behavioral pattern that seemed so right or justified in his mind. Then he indicated that if that habit or pattern continued uncorrected, it would, like my car, break down -- not mechanically but relationally. Peace would fade from the home.
Ramona knew that first hand. Roger, Ramonas husband, had just finished an all night shift at work. He, his wife and two kids came for family counseling. As they drove home after our session, Roger began to fight sleep and started to nod off. Ramona started yelling at him to pull over and let someone else drive. He stubbornly refused. The kids joined the parental yelling match.
At our next session, I asked Ramona what need she was trying to meet by yelling at Roger. She looked at me, then stared at her husband and dropped her eyes. She did not want to do this. It made her feel vulnerable to reveal her heartfelt need. Her anger was safe, but revealing her heart was not. She struggled. In a soft voice she said, AI was scared. I thought we would all be killed and it seemed he didnt care!
"Have you tried to tell Roger you were scared? I inquired. She paused, ANo... I just get angry with him when he does something like that and I just go off on him.
"Has that ever been effective? I probed further.
She exhaled deeply, "No, I guess not.
"Would you turn to Roger and tell him about your fear?
Slowly, in hushed, halting tones, and for the first time in their 12 years of marriage, she quietly shared her fears. She was able to tell him the yelling did not mean she didnt love him. Her fear had shifted into anger, and it came out in bitter, cutting remarks that deflected attention away from her needs to feel safe.
"Roger . . . were you aware of your wifes fears?
Blinking back tears he said, "I just thought she didnt like me . . . I mean . . . like she hated me and her screaming only proved it.
Rogers two children sat on the couch watching their parents interact in a heart-to- heart way for the first time. Anger-based conflict revealed Ramonas need to feel safe and secure.
Most fights in the Christian family are over legitimate needs attempting to be met in an unacceptable way. Conflict, like anger, can notify us that a way that feels so right, if continued, will end in the ways of death (Prov. 14:12). In a relationship, this can mean separation or worse, divorce.
by: Dr. Chuck Lynch
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