Counseling for Closure

Counseling for Closure

Counseling for Closure

There are many painful questions at the end of a marriage, the primary one being "What went wrong?" Finding answers to that question can help put the past to rest and make for wiser decisions in the future.The main difference between this and couples counseling is the purpose. Usually in the latter, the husband and wife try to work through their problems so they can make their marriage work again.Counseling for Closure is more like a Monday morning review of Sunday's football game. The game itself is history, but you can analyze the mistakes everyone made along the way, so that, hopefully, none of the team members makes the same mistake in the next game.Depending on the length of the marriage and complexity of the break-up, the process usually requires several sessions with two being the minimum. That allows time for each of you to consider the information that came out in one session, and address it more fully in the next.You each may have questions about why your action distressed your spouse so much, or how you might have said or done things differently. You may also find that it takes one or two sessions for you to feel free to really open up, especially if you've been stuffing your opinions for the past many years. A competent therapist will keep either of you from brow-beating or intimidating the other.

These do's and don'ts will help you get the best results from your Counseling for Closure:

Do...

have a clear understanding between spouses that this is not counseling to make the marriage last.

explain clearly to the therapist that your mutual goal is closure.

carefully consider what did go wrong with your marriage. This sometimes spans the entire length of the marriage -- it's rarely a single event.

make out a written list of the points you want to bring up. Don't be surprised if you get through only a scant few of them at the first session.

after each session, go over the shared information mentally.

update your list for the next session.

Don't...

get into arguing matches with your soon-to-be-ex between sessions, in person, by phone or by e-mail. If he or she wants to debate a point, it should be brought up in the next session.

enter into a debate with the other over one of their points. Each of you is entitled to your own perceptions of past events. Saying "You shouldn't have felt that way." is pointless and inappropriate.

have a hidden agenda. ("I'll go along with this for now, so the counselor can 'fix' my spouse and make him or her come back to me.")

make this a free-for-all. Try to avoid being combative. Verbal kicking and gouging can stop the whole process of Counseling for Closure and pave the way for some hellish settlement negotiations.

feel like you have to cover everything in one session. Allow time to cover each item before moving on to the next.

Although you may hear a lot of hurtful accusations in the process, you'll also have a safe arena for getting your own views and pain heard. It can be a healthy beginning to the healing process.

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