Dating Done, Now Can You Live Together?
This is a short piece about sharing personal space and the potential difficulties in a new relationship
. For those who are well into dating and now looking to settle down with a partner, there are a few issues to watch out for, especially if a strong-willed and independent couple.
For success of course, then both lovers have to be committed to making things work. Focus on common ground, that's what the negotiators say. These issues can be more acute if you are not in the first flush of youth and have established your home and way of life, with a fair amount of material possessions around you.
How do Space Issues Arise?
Firstly, when you agree where to live - his/her place or your place, or do you get a place together? Gradually (or even quickly), the centre of gravity moves one way or the other, and your (or your lover's) pile of clothes, washbag and other bits and pieces start to accumulate at the new centre of gravity.
Then, maybe, you decide to give up your place (or your lover gives up theirs) - selling it or renting it out.
Developing Space Issues
You start to organise (hopefully) - you (or your other) clear out some drawers and cupboard space. Maybe you are tidy and your other is untidy - that can be stressful in itself.
The issues of space can be sharper if you work from home (as I now do) and the other person is there a lot of the time. Finding space (without interruption) in someone else's place for this single-minded work can be difficult.
And it's not only physical space - it's mental space as well - space to think, even space to watch different TV shows.
Whose Rules Apply?
When you live in someone else's space, then the house rules are theirs and it can be very frustrating that you have no call over the space or the rules. In my own place in another life I eventually learned to be very flexible, but if you are with someone who is very particular and set in their ways then that can be challenging.
And, as we get older and even more set in our ways, then the challenges can be greater.
Symptoms to Watch For
Having lived with people who have found it difficult to have new partners in their space (and failed), I have become very aware of this issue, and the symptoms.
If you are both living in your place, then when the other person tries to express a strong opinion about, say, what colour a wall should be painted, and you think 'hey, that's my wall, we'll have what I like' then that's a sign, just thinking it. It works both ways, and if you are in your partner's place and think 'no, I don't really want to live in a room with a purple wall' then that's a pointer to a problem.
These sorts of issues can get magnified out of proportion when both of you are strong willed; if only one is strong willed then the other person could start to feel ridden over. This could lead to resentment.
Finding Solutions
The most obvious solution is to rent or buy a place together, though even that may not work for some couples.
You can see this as an opportunity to dump a load of junk and baggage and focus on the bare minimum. You can then together build up your joint possessions together.
Another solution is to have periods apart - maybe short breaks visiting friends and family - some couples even have holidays apart, but for me that wouldn't work. I mean, why be together at all?
Then, getting away together into neutral space - say a weekend away - can also lower the temperature.
So, space can be an issue. Is it the Final Frontier after dating? Maybe - after all, when you cross a frontier, you get into new territory!
(c) 2010 Phil Marks
by: Phil Marks
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