Dealing With Death And Coping With Bereavement

When we lose someone close to us it will change who we are

. This change can be difficult to accept, particularly if you were accustomed to defining yourself by your relationship to the deceased. You are no long 'Jane's husband' but you are still here. What will you become? This is for you to discover over the coming weeks, months and years by exploring who you were and how you have changed.

Accept the change has taken place

At some point after your bereavement your head will accept your loss. If you need help with this stage try thinking or talking about what happened in the final stages of your loved one's life. Death is almost always accompanied by questions. 'How did this happen?' and 'why?' can be difficult questions to which there are often no desirable answers. However, by thinking about the answers to these questions we can at least acknowledge the death. Generally it will be at a separate and often distant point from this mental acceptance that your heart will accept your loss. You cannot force yourself to accept the loss on an emotional level; just be aware that you will not feel this way forever. When you feel ready you will be able to take comfort in reminders of your loss, until this point - and indeed after - there is nothing wrong with grieving over the reminders. Do not hide them away; each encounter with them will help you on your journey to emotional acceptance. To accept your loss at an emotional level it can be beneficial to sit with a book of poems suitable for how you are feeling; for example Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep compiled by Lucie Storrs. For others, reading the bible or other religious books can help.

Realise this change will inevitably change you

Remember you are still your mother's son even after her death. Know that before and after this event you are still many other things; perhaps a husband, father, friend, teacher, uncle and many things which cannot be labelled. For many people this new identity will only be accepted by when enough time has passed or when practical matters such funeral arrangements or returning to work force it. For other people religious ceremonies or talking to the person you have lost will help. Tell the person you are missing what you have been doing, or alternatively you can talk to someone who is missing them too. Think about or discuss what their reaction would have been. You do not have to grieve alone, talking to friends and family or reading books about those who have suffered loss can be extremely beneficial to moving forward with your life. Never feel guilty for moving on. Ask yourself 'what would Richard say now if he saw me?' Your loved one would not have wanted to see you suffer and mourn without end.

by: Steve Phillips

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