Dealing with Grief
Dealing with Grief
Dealing with Grief
Losing a loved one is the most pain filled experience that I have ever encountered. It is a time of reflection over both what was, and what can now, never be. It is a time that we realize our own mortality and wonder what difference we make...If any. My own experience with the loss of family left me traumatized! My little Mom and then her brother, who was the only uncle in my life, was followed by my only sibling and then my Mother-In-Law, all from Cancer. To say these were tumultuous years is a gross understatement! It was DEVASTATING! The effect of losing these people was felt deeply and will last a lifetime. Every one of them was extremely important to me, as well as my family, and especially our little girls.
Trying to explain death and the meaning of life to children is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Why? Because we really don't understand it ourselves! I tried using the "circle of life" analogy; We are born, we live a life, then die??? Hmm, it seems a little shallow, doesn't it?
The one thing that worked for me was to start something new in my life, a new chapter so to speak. I tried to find a way that would honour the memories, but would allow me to heal and carry on with my own life.
My sister was by far the most devastating experience. You see, I was also her Bone Marrow donor, we were a 6 out of 6 match. You think that those kinds of numbers would give us some measure of success, but as it turned out, she llived the last year on my Bone Marrow alone and then we lost her. Marie was 41 when she died, she was my big sister and I was her little brother. We grew up with the focus on my father who had a severe head trauma from an accident, and therefore relied on each other more than many other sublings. Marie was my protector and I was hers. I will forever remember her words to me in the hospital during the Bone Marrow Transplant. She called me her "Hero". She told me that I must have gottent the "nice" genes in the family because she doubted that she could have done this for me. Some "Hero", I let her down, she died anyway. This, more than anything else, affected me deeply...She was depending on me to save her, but I couldn't. Intellectually, I know that it wasn't my fault, but emotionally, I know that I was her only shot at living. Donating the Bone Marrow, only made me more responsible for her death. My brain knows that I did whatever they asked, but my heart only knows that I could not save her. I think about her daily, sometimes alot more and she has been gone since 2001.
A physical activity has a few points in its favour; Firstly, it is a healthy choice, walking, swimming, biking, are all things that we can all do and will give you benefits beyond stamina and weight control...But they do that as well. They also allow you time to think; time to smile at kids and dogs or just to enjoy a beautiful day. The thinking is what you have to watch out for! Too many thoughts are running around your head with no clear path...They just wander back and forth making you feel "happysadangrydepressed"!! When you read that strung together word, I am sure that you recognize it. It is a cycle that initially repeats itself every other minute. The good news is that eventually, if you allow yourself the time, and especially, the forgiveness, these words will start to separate again. You will start to see YOUR life continue, but you must allow yourself to grieve, in all of its forms.
This is what I did to heal and I continue to heal on a daily basis.
My Mom was the nicest person in the world, she was caring, loving, giving...everything that you would expect from a Mom. My Uncle was a jokester and was very talented in building furniture, my sister was an artist.
I build log and twig furniture(UnclePat), and I give some of it to cancer patients who need a lift(Mom). To families who are trying to raise money as an auction item. And I give one of my sisters paintings entitled, "The Painting" to Cancer Hospitals and Action groups(Marie).
Finally, I write about it!! If anyone can benefit from my pain, then the pain is less of a burden!
Find something to allow you to continue to grow and find someone that you can help...You will feel so much better when you are helping people. And, Oh, how I hope that my pain has helped you.
If you would like a copy of Maries painting "The Painting" it is a download from Princess Margeret Hospital under Patient Stories, Marie McDougall. I hope that you enjoy it and pass it on to anyone who may benefit.
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