Definition and Key Thoughts of Conflict in Marriage
Definition and Key Thoughts of Conflict in Marriage
Definitions and Key Thoughts
Every marriage has conflict. The idea that some couples never disagree is crazy.
John Gottman, in his groundbreaking book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, writes that there are three perfectly acceptable conflict styles couples can use: volatile, affirming, and avoidant.
Volatile Conflict Style:
With this conflict styles, conflicts erupt often, and they result in passionate disputes. Both parties voice their position, challenging and refuting their spouses. Hence the conflict is rarely resolved. However, the conflict is counteracted by all the good times in the marriage. When looking at the whole picture, the couple is well-satisfied with the marriage relationship.
Validating Conflict Style:
This is the conflict style psychologists and counselors have traditionally taught to their clients. With this conflict style, couples talk, listen, compromise and calmly work out their problems to their mutual satisfaction.
Avoidant Conflict Style:
With this conflict style, couples rarely if ever confront a conflict head on. Instead, the marriage motto is agree to disagree.The couple acknowledges that they are different, strong willed, independent individuals, and that they will have different opinions on some issues. As long as the couple agrees on most things, the relationship can continue to grow.
Historically, many mental health professionals have considered Avoidant and Volatile conflict styles to be destructive to marriages. However Gottmans research suggests that all three styles are equally acceptable for maintaining or building a healthy marriage. (1)
Gottman has found that it doesnt really matter what conflict style a couple uses. What matters is that there are enough positive interactions in the marriage to counter the negative ones. It is believed that between 4-20 positive interactions are necessary to counter one negative interaction.
However, arguments can sometimes lead to dirty fighting between husband and wife. A dirty fight is one that alienates or hurts a spouse. When this happens, bitterness, anger, resentment, and even thoughts of divorce or violence can take root in a marriage. Often when spouses are fighting dirty they are doing so because of a profound heart problem.
Patients with bad heart conditions need to change their unhealthy habits. Heart patients who have hardening of the arteriesreceive regular examinations. Like medical doctors, counselors can help those who need a heart examination.We can help to diagnose the problem by testing eight potentially problematic areas:
1.Pride: Do I focus on how much Ive been wronged?
2.Faultfinding: Do I rehearse the faults of others?
3.Avoidance: Do I avoid being around people with whom I have conflict?
4.Silence: Do I refuse to share my feelings in a healthy way?
5.Isolation: Do I withdraw emotionally?
6.Unfaithfulness: Do I share unnecessary information about my opposer?
7.Hopelessness: Do I lack faith that God can work in any situation?
8.Resentment: Do I hold on to my anger until it turns to bitterness?
The Bible says, Pursue peace . . . looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble(Heb. 12:14, 15).
Thankfully, in the pursuit of marital peace, there are a great many skills couples can learn to fight fair when conflict shows up in their relationship.
Definitions and Key Thoughts
Every marriage has conflict. The idea that some couples never disagree is crazy.
John Gottman, in his groundbreaking book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, writes that there are three perfectly acceptable conflict styles couples can use: volatile, affirming, and avoidant.
Volatile Conflict Style:
With this conflict styles, conflicts erupt often, and they result in passionate disputes. Both parties voice their position, challenging and refuting their spouses. Hence the conflict is rarely resolved. However, the conflict is counteracted by all the good times in the marriage. When looking at the whole picture, the couple is well-satisfied with the marriage relationship.
Validating Conflict Style:
This is the conflict style psychologists and counselors have traditionally taught to their clients. With this conflict style, couples talk, listen, compromise and calmly work out their problems to their mutual satisfaction.
Avoidant Conflict Style:
With this conflict style, couples rarely if ever confront a conflict head on. Instead, the marriage motto is agree to disagree.The couple acknowledges that they are different, strong willed, independent individuals, and that they will have different opinions on some issues. As long as the couple agrees on most things, the relationship can continue to grow.
Historically, many mental health professionals have considered Avoidant and Volatile conflict styles to be destructive to marriages. However Gottmans research suggests that all three styles are equally acceptable for maintaining or building a healthy marriage. (1)
Gottman has found that it doesnt really matter what conflict style a couple uses. What matters is that there are enough positive interactions in the marriage to counter the negative ones. It is believed that between 4-20 positive interactions are necessary to counter one negative interaction.
However, arguments can sometimes lead to dirty fighting between husband and wife. A dirty fight is one that alienates or hurts a spouse. When this happens, bitterness, anger, resentment, and even thoughts of divorce or violence can take root in a marriage. Often when spouses are fighting dirty they are doing so because of a profound heart problem.
Patients with bad heart conditions need to change their unhealthy habits. Heart patients who have hardening of the arteriesreceive regular examinations. Like medical doctors, counselors can help those who need a heart examination.We can help to diagnose the problem by testing eight potentially problematic areas:
1.Pride: Do I focus on how much Ive been wronged?
2.Faultfinding: Do I rehearse the faults of others?
3.Avoidance: Do I avoid being around people with whom I have conflict?
4.Silence: Do I refuse to share my feelings in a healthy way?
5.Isolation: Do I withdraw emotionally?
6.Unfaithfulness: Do I share unnecessary information about my opposer?
7.Hopelessness: Do I lack faith that God can work in any situation?
8.Resentment: Do I hold on to my anger until it turns to bitterness?
The Bible says, Pursue peace . . . looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble(Heb. 12:14, 15).Web counselor plays a vital role for the welfare of society.
Thankfully, in the pursuit of marital peace, there are a great many skills couples can learn to fight fair when conflict shows up in their relationship.
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