Difficult Relationships - When there is no Give and Take
Difficult Relationships - When there is no Give and Take
Human relationships and how we interact with each other is a subject very dear to many people's hearts. We spend many an hour, day and week pondering over human behaviour, trying to figure out why people do the things they do: hurt each other, abuse each other, act selfishly.
When I've had particularly difficult relationships in my life, I've tended, after much time tormenting myself, to come to the conclusion that I'll never figure it out and it's best to just try to move on. On the one hand, that's not a bad idea: focus on the future, don't live in the past, forgive and forget. However, it does leave a path wide open for it all to happen all over again. So, in the back of my mind, I have always been convinced that there is another way, and I have continued with my ponderings in happier times in the hope of figuring it all out!
What I have come up with is something that is gaining more and more popularity as a concept these days. It is the idea that we need to be looking inward to fix our relationships with others, not outward. So how does that work? Surely I can't stop that friend of mine from taking me for granted by changing myself. It's her that's doing something wrong, and her that needs to change. Right?
Well, yes, if someone is behaving badly, it would be nice if they stopped it and started treating you better. But the fact is, we really have very little control over others, nor should we. However, we can control ourselves. We can have control over our thoughts, behaviours, and of how we perceive and react to what is going on with other people. It's a hard pill to swallow, but if someone is treating us badly, it is not only because we are letting them, but also because we have trained them to be this way.
WHAT? I didn't ask for this. Why would I want someone to treat me badly? This is nuts.
Before we get all defensive, think about it. Your relationships with other people are all based around your perception of yourself, your perception of them, your slant on reality, your beliefs about what they are doing and what their intentions are. The fact is, relationships are subjective - they are viewed from your standpoint. It's the only way you can view them. We don't have the capacity to step outside of our consciousness and see the world with fresh eyes. Even if we try to imagine ourselves doing that, we are still imagining it from our own point of view. So therefore it is impossible to ever have a truly objective view of our relationships. We can try, and that's great, but it's never completely without influence from our own thoughts and minds. That's why the saying exists, "There's two sides to every story." If we could all see everything as it really was, completely objectively, there would only ever be one side to every story. We would all see it the same way.
So, if our relationships are subjective, and based on our thoughts, our reactions, our behaviour, our perceptions of reality, then it follows logically that if we work on changing our internal world, then this will influence what goes on in the external world.
Let's take a look at a common issue people have in relationships, and how we can begin to wake up to what is really going on and turn things around:
You have a friend/partner who leans heavily on you, but they are never really there for you in return, in the way that you want and need. You feel the relationship is all about your giving and them taking.
Look at this with as much of an open mind as you can. This is not about blame, it's about waking up and seeing things more clearly.
Have you subconsciously portrayed yourself as a strong character who doesn't need any outside help?
Do you refuse help as a matter of course? - "No, it's okay, I can carry it"; "Don't worry, I'll sort it out" etc.
Do you enjoy being the rock that people can come to and lean on?
Do you like the fact that you are a good listener and are the one people come to for advice?
Does that make you feel wanted and special, but frustrated at the same time?
Do you say "yes" when you really want to say "No".
There's nothing wrong with being a giving person, but problems will arise when you are eventually exhausted with giving, and no one is there for you, giving back. When you behave in the above ways, it tells people that you can cope, that you are fine, and that you'll always be there to help them and be the strong one. You are not giving people any clue that you also need support. And, no, unfortunately, it's not obvious that you need support too. Research has shown that over 70% of our communication is non-verbal, and that people more readily trust non-verbal communication, so if these are the messages you are giving through your behaviour, this is what people will believe about you.
So, how can you start to change?
Be honest with yourself about what you are doing and how this could be affecting what's going on around you.
Take responsibility for the things you can change.
Understand that your issues with other people are a reflection of your issues with yourself - if someone is asking too much of you, is it because you have given them the impression you will always say 'yes'? What goes on in the outside world is simply a call for us to address our internal world. Perhaps you need to work on being more assertive?
Have the courage to say 'No' to someone who is always asking for your help/assistance/money/time
Let someone help you when they offer
Ask for help with something
Prioritise your own needs before others (I mean capable adults here, not dependants). This is not being selfish, it's just about honouring your own needs. Very few will respect and honour your needs if you don't do it yourself first.
Changing patterns that you have repeated for years can take time, so starting small is important. When you start to see the positive results, this will encourage you and give you the strength to push it to the next level. The key is, work on yourself first, and then the rest will fall into place. Good Luck!
If you find it difficult to tackle this issue alone, or would like to know more about how you could work on this area of your life, a Life Coach can help you to gain the clarity you need, and focus you on the work that needs to be done.
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