Discover true principles to lasting divorce recovery
Discover true principles to lasting divorce recovery
How to Create the Life You Want After Your Divorce: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to create a life of abundance, love, fulfillment, passion, & happiness, Pt 1.
Man, there's a LOT of junk out there to give you support after you divorce. The biggest myth? "Time heals all wounds." No it doesn't! I've known people bitter for most of their life, and others who die bitter, angry, and resentful. Another devastating lie, "Now you can get the life you've always wanted." No you can't - that is, not if you don't get the right tools and skills you were lacking in your marriage. Otherwise, you're life is going to be EXACTLY the same as it was when you were married; it won't be any better, you just won't have some one to yell at, blame, or feel victimized or controlled by. And there's other bullshit crap out there promising to give you divorce support. You're a smart person, so I'm sure it seems pretty obvious to you this junk isn't going to help you recover after your divorce, much less create a life of abundance. But you'd be surprised by how many smart people end up wasting
their money on this stuff.
Worse yet, are the supposed 'guru's' out there who've either never been married, are married and never been divorced, or worse yet - can't create a successful life for themselves, telling you how to recover from your divorce, offering you support, or telling you how to get the life you want. And yes, there's a lot of these jokers out there too, just trying to make a buck off you!
Therefore, I thought it might be helpful for you if I told you some real, actionable ways, to get HELPFUL support after your divorce. And let me be clear: I'm not concerned with helping you to recover from your divorce. And I'll honestly tell you I don't give a rip if you end up bitter, angry, resentful, or marry someone else. I DO CARE you have a SUCCESSFUL life, one where
you feel fully loved, secure, accepted, and experience more passion than you ever thought possible...and if this is what you want to, then read on; if not, then go hit up one of those jokers out there selling snake-oil.
The first characteristic to create a successful divorce recovery involves a secure attachment. And when I say a "successful" recovery, I mean one where there is satisfaction, stability, and a sense of safety. For me, it also involves experiencing an abundance of love, passion, & fulfillment, with a low amount of conflict.
A secure attachment means you are able to be empathetic, compassionate, and listen non-defensively to others. You regularly express your needs comfortably & without demanding others take care of you. Your own happiness, fulfillment, and satisfaction doesn't feel threatened by the needs of others. You're comfortable with another's expression of anger. You believe you can appropriately express all of your emotions, and you allow others to do the same. You feel secure in yourself and your relationship with others, regardless of how they act or responds to you. To put it in a nutshell...
You feel loved and accepted by those you consider close to you regardless of what happens between the two of you.
Most people DO NOT have a secure attachment.
In fact, most people have what's called an 'insecure' or 'anxious' way of attaching to others.
What IS attachment? Think of it as the lessons you've learned about how to give and receive love. You 'attach' or love, someone based on how you have learned to love. And, you receive love based on how you learned to accept love. Most of us have some pretty messed up messages about what love is, much less HOW to love in the right way.
An 'anxious' or 'insecure' attachment means someone doesn't feel secure in the relationship they have with others. What this means to you is: if you feel shame, guilt, judgment, rejection, condemnation, insecurity; you have to make others happy, love is conditional, you're fearful of other's responses, you have to walk on egg shells; you feel others are 'unpredictable' in their
messages of love to you; you're hyperalert to others' moods, you have a hard time saying no, you feel like you're the victim in your relationship or you feel like you have to control those closest to you, you feel powerless or others are always wrong, it's hard for you to know what you're feeling; you feel like you have to take care of others, it's hard for you to receive help;
feelings seem scary, useless, or detached; you push your partner away and then you chase after them; it seems like you're reading from the same script, with the same lines, only the 'players' change; you seem stuck in the same arguments; you idealize or fantasize about relationship; you think you have high or unrealistic expectations of others (or others have told you so);
you desire a deep connection but rarely experience it; you feel easily let down, disappointed, hurt, angry, or rejected - especially when others haven't met your expectations; you want your partner to 'read' your mind; you avoid and withdraw from your partner; you attempt to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible; or, you don't communicate what you need or want to your partner - you have a 'insecure' or 'anxious' attachment.
Love for you is unsafe, unreliable, unpredictable, dangerous, unfulfilling, a guessing game, a chore, and comes with strings attached.
In my research and study, a secure attachment has four essential parts to it. The more fully you're able to experience each of these four parts, the more secure you will be, and ultimately, the better and better and better your life will get.
If this 'attachment stuff' seems like it's only important for married couples, it's not. It's crucial for single people too! How you "show up" in relationship effects your kids, family, friends, and co-workers. The less "security" you have in your relationship, how you relate to others, the more problems, difficulties, conflict, and frustrations you'll have.
What if you DON'T have a secure attachment (and if your in the middle of a divorce, you don't)???
Hope is NOT lost!!! Regardless of how bad off your marriage was you can shift the way you give and receive love so love becoming
secure, stable, fulfilling, passionate, enjoyable, predictable, and the NORM (versus arguments, frustration, lack of peace,
and unfulfillment). The more secure you become, the more your love will increase; the more your love increases, the more amazing your
relationship with others will get - regardless of how great, or horrible, it is right now.
Do you REALLY want actual, reliable, and LONG-LASTING SOLUTIONS to your problems?
If so (and I know you do) then the best solutions will occur as you begin to shift from an insecure way of loving to a secure
way of loving. Think of it as a spectrum; there's degrees of security, just as there are degrees of insecurity. As you move
away from insecurity and closer to the secure side, the better and better your life will get. The more freedom you'll
experience, the less shame and guilt you'll feel; you'll feel more peace, calm; you'll be happier; you'll enjoy life more.
In the next article I'll break down the four essential aspects of a secure attachment, and why their crucial to help you
recover from your divorce and create the life of abundant passion, love, fulfillment, & happiness you want.
P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something
you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Also, if you think it would benefit someone you
care about, please do them a favor and "pass it on!"
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