Do People Who Cheat Have a Character Flaw That Makes Them Cheat? Can They Change This?

I recently heard from a woman who had made the decision to take back her cheating husband

. This was the first time that he had been unfaithful. He seemed remorseful and sorry. And, he was willing to do whatever it took to fix the situation that he created. The wife was hopeful that things would work out, but her mother was not and was very vocal about her opinion.

The wife expressed in part: "I've made the decisionto work on and try to save our marriage after my husband cheated, but my mother keeps telling me that I'm making a huge mistake. She says that cheating is a character flaw that can't be overcome. She says that this is the reason that cheaters never change and will cheat again. She's now claiming that my father was a serial cheater and she claims she wants to spare me the pain that she felt. Now, I don't know what to believe. Is it true that cheaters have a character flaw? Is it true that they can't change?" I'll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Is Cheating A Character Flaw?: There have been several conflicting studies that have attempted to examine if there's a "cheating gene" or an "unfaithful personality." The results have been somewhat conflicting and, at least in my opinion, non convincing.

However, there's very little question that cheating can run in families. But, I suspect that cultural norms and what appears to be acceptable, encouraged, or glossed over has more to do with this than DNA does. There's also a strong correlation between a person having close friends who cheat and that person cheating themselves (which also supports the theory that an acceptance or expectation of cheating makes it more likely to happen.)

One thing that I do notice in serial cheaters (which are most certainly different from remorseful, one time cheaters) is a lack of impulse control. I once had a reader tell me that she suspected that repetitive cheaters have ADHD or attention deficit disorders. I'm not sure about this, but I do notice that some don't seem to be able to control their thoughts and impulses as well as folks who arefaithful.

In other words, many will tell me that their thoughtsthatwere saying "this is wrong. Don't do this. Just walk away, etc." only came after they took action when it was already too late. They basically act first (and cheat)and think about those actions later. It's often only afterward when they ask themselves just what they were thinking or how they could be so stupid. I'll let you decide whether this is a character flaw or not. And I'm certainly not an expert or specialist, but, I do seethis "act first / think later" tendency in serial cheaters.

But, I also feel that a lack of impulse control can beovercome. People learn how to slow down and think before they act all of the time. Sure, it takes work and learning new behaviors, reinforcements, and patterns, but it is most certainly possible.

If Someone Cheats Because Of Their Personality, Does This Mean They Can't Change?:This reader's mother kept saying phrases like "a leopard doesn't change his spots." Or "once a cheater always a cheater." And, "cheaters don't have the ability to change even if they want to. Their personality will keep them from being faithful." Many people absolutely believe these types of phrases. And much of the time, this is due to their own experiences and disappointments.

Unfortunately, this mother was projecting her own marital disappointments ontoher daughter. Her son in lawwas not the same man as her husband and I believe that it was unfair of hertomake this assumption. It's also probably not in anyone's best interest to make assumptions as to whether a person can change their unfaithful personality or tendency to cheat. It's my experience and opinion that it absolutely is possible to learn new behaviors and safeguards. It may requiresome help or repetitive efforts, but it can be done.

And if a man is not a serial cheater and has only cheated once (as was the case here,) it's probably quite unfair and far reaching to assume that there's something wrong with his character. It was completely possible that he made a one time mistake which he would never repeat because he had already demonstrated that he was completely willing to try anything to make this right.

It's my opinion that although many factors may go into someone's propensity for cheating, the action of cheating is a choice. And people can always be taught to make a better choice and / or to pause and think about things before making that choice.

I believe that making assumptions about character flaws and cheaters can sometimes slow or prevent healing. I'm glad I didn't totally buy this. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Do People Who Cheat Have a Character Flaw That Makes Them Cheat? Can They Change This?

By: Katie Lersch

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