Does Technology Get in the Way of Your Relationship?
Does Technology Get in the Way of Your Relationship
?
We wake up in the morning and check our email to see if we have received any "urgent" messages in the middle of the night. Or we might immediately reach for our blackberries in case any text messages arrived while we were "unplugged" for a few hours during our slumber.
Meanwhile, our partner has woken up, showered and left for work and guess what? We haven't spoken even one word to each other because we were busy utilizing modern technology to communicate with the rest of the world.
Maybe I am exaggerating a little bit but I am sure you can relate to what I am saying here. Coaching couples during the age of modern technology has led me to believe the ability to effectively communicate with our partner is rapidly becoming a lost art form due to the overwhelming methods we can use to communicate to the outside world.
We are so busy staying globally connected with each other that we are rapidly losing the ability to communicate with the person closest to us, that is, the one we love. In other words, we are drowning in the midst of technology overload; and sinking our relationship along with it.
Do you and your partner use text messages and emails to avoid communicating the "old-fashioned" way, that is, face-to-face? Come on, tell the truth. You text and email when fighting so you don't have to waste your time listening. You say what you have to say, and click, you are done. Maybe you get a text and/or email back immediately and maybe you don't. Sometimes, you don't even care - you got your message across. Their response is not really the point.
The point is you are using technology as a means of getting your message across to your partner without having to enter into a dialogue because you really don't feel like "discussing" this issue now anyway.
And this is the moment when coaching couples I say: "Stop right there"!
Did you just tell me you want to "communicate" with your partner without having a discussion with them? This is like telling me you want to learn a foreign language but you only want to speak the language in English. Hello? Impossible, it can't be done.
Yes, I truly understand how text messaging, instant messaging, emailing and facebooking might be very time efficient when it comes to getting "information" across to your partner; but you would be making a grave mistake to think the relaying of information is the same as communication, let alone effective communication.
So here is a simple easy guideline for those of us who are addicted to the conveniences of modern technology when communicating with our partner. The more serious the topic of discussion with your partner - the less technology should be used to communicate it. In other words, nothing adequately replaces the old fashion face-to-face conversation when emotions are involved.
I will even concede to the use of a telephone for serious conversations if face-to-face time is impossible due to scheduling conflicts. (Hey, I live in the real world). But texting, tweeting, etc has yet to help couples resolve heated issues when it comes to your relationship. (In fact, I have seen these methods of communication exacerbate conflict). Body language, word nuances, attitude and tone are all easily lost and/or misinterpreted when communicating via modern technology.
So remember, modern technology is great for telling your partner the time and place you are meeting them for dinner; but I would recommend you shut down the computer and turn your blackberry off when you are trying to discuss issues that are important to you and which involve strong feelings and emotions.
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