Dont Try To Teach A Pig To Sing: Dealing With Takers In Relationships

One of the most controversial topics I have encountered when discussing clinical biopsychological approaches to therapy is tied to Givers and Takers

. Although these terms have been used by many others, it is like comparing apples and oranges. As I have used the terms, it relates to the design of the brain and the motivation behind relationship behaviors.

Based on the Dimensional Systems Model of brain functioning, there are two separate minds, or computers. The right side stores emotional memories and is responsible for what feels positive and negative in our dealings with others. This side controls our native emotional language and we find this leads to predictable behavior patterns.

Takers experience positive feelings when they gain power and control, whether this is in a direct or an indirect fashion. They want attention and material things, often at the expense of others. They have negative emotions if they have to give to someone. Thus, they only give if it is necessary to get more.

In relationship counselling this can serve to not only explain what accounts for a persons behavior, it can also lead to behavioral strategies in dealing with that person. For example, takers always feel cheated and can, therefore, justify all of their behaviors. They claim to always give, though their behavior is the opposite.

It is not possible to logically argue with a taker since they are playing only by the rule that they will get their way at that moment. Thus, continuing to talk to the taker leads only to frustration. It is better to accept the fact that the taker does not play fairly and cease the conversation. Effective relationship counselling in clinical biopsychology means that you accept the taker is incapable of changing his/her basic rules.

However, it is possible for takers to change behavior in your presence if you are of value to them. In this regard, relationship counselling teaches the client to never give in when the taker is being nasty or cold. You only discuss matters with a taker when they are being nice and you only give into their desires if you logically believe it is reasonable. This leads to the taker treating you more nicely over time.

Remember, never try to teach a pig (taker) to sing (become a different person) because you will fail and only frustrate the pig.

by: Richard Rice

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