Emotional Intelligence and Anger Management

Emotional Intelligence and Anger Management

As is typical for the holidays, I end up with the crowds in a toy store looking for the latest toys to delight my grand children. During one of my shopping expeditions, I encountered a couple of ladies I'll never forget. That day the store was packed with shoppers who were slowly trying to maneuver the aisles as they looked for their items.

One shopper was looking over a toy and failed to see that her cart was in the way of several people. The lady in front of me looked back, smiling knowingly at me. Both of us understood that the lady didn't intend to block the path and would be moving on momentarily. So we both just waited patiently.

All of a sudden the woman realized she was blocking our way. Enraged, she turned and let loose a tirade, "What's wrong with you? You didn't let me know you were there! The woman's words were actually more inflammatory, but I've toned them down for this story. The lady waiting patiently behind her said, "I didn't mind waiting and didn't want to interrupt your thoughts. I'm not pressed for time." This explanation just heightened the first woman's anger. In an instant, both women were exchanged in bursts of angry words.

The situation occurred in a split second, and, as the two ladies wheeled away from each other in rage, I found myself left dumfounded wondering what just happened. Both ladies ended up emotionally hijacked by the episode. I was relieved that their tirade of anger wasn't aimed at me.

As we explore the episode, it may seem easy to judge the woman who blocked the path (the first lady). Her angry reaction to the kind words of the waiting woman seemed inappropriate. This rage incited the "waiting" lady who retorted in kind. The "waiting" woman's angered response fanned the fires, and the incident exploded in loud shouts and inflamed words.

This disturbance serves to illustrate how perception and judgment can trigger emotions (in this case negative) and can cloud people's thinking causing them to react to situations. Apparently, people waiting behind the lady who blocked the pathway, triggered negative emotions and she reacted angrily. Perhaps she felt defensive, self-conscious or intimidated which might have threatened her self-esteem or made her feel she was being treated unfairly. Negative emotions can cause a fight or flight response. In this situation the negative feelings brought about a fight response. And the angry woman's lashing out to the waiting lady triggered the same fight response. Sometimes these kinds of disturbances can escalate to yelling and can even become physical (thankfully not so in this case).

It's typical to judge people. But that judgment is unfounded when we consider that no one knew why the woman exploded so violently. There could be any number of explanations underlying her emotional response. She might have had an ill child who wanted the toy, or she needed to get back to work and didn't have time to navigate the crowded store, or she didn't have enough money to purchase the item.

This episode points out how important it is to be aware of our emotions (a core competency of Emotional Intelligence). This awareness enables us to choose what we want to experience rather than react to incidents. Additionally we can better manage our emotions when we curb our judgments, recognizing that we do not have insight into why other's might respond to events the way they do.

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