Fixing Your Marriage After Your Husband Had An Affair: Insights And Tips That Might Help

Fixing Your Marriage After Your Husband Had An Affair: Insights And Tips That Might Help

I often write about how I not only survived my husband's affair, but was able to save and improve our marriage. This wasn't easy and it took a lot of work on the part of both myself and my husband, but it was necessary and it was worth it. I would never want to repeat that period of pain and hurt, but it is now firmly in our past and our marriage is stable and fulfilling today.

I have a blog where I share this story, and quite often, I have women who write me and ask "how can I fix my marriage after my husband's affair." This is a bit of a loaded question, and my immediate response is always that it's not the wife'sresponsibility to single-handedly save the marriage alone. It will take two committed people for this to happen.

But, there are things that both husband and wife can do to not only fix, repair, and save the marriage, but to strengthen it as well. I'll tell you what you need from your husband and what you can do yourself to move past the affair.

The Two Most Important Aspects In Fixing Your Marriage After An Affair: Responsibility And Prevention: An affair can be a devastating blow for a marriage. Sometimes, it's hard to understand it in this way, but both parties are injured. The person who was cheated on feels betrayed, devastated, burned and takes a huge blow to the self esteem. The person who cheated is often relegated to a second class citizen in the marriage the person who will always be wrong, unforgiven, and untrustworthy.

So, what you have are two people who aren't on equal footing and who feel unsure of where they stand. Even if both want to save the marriage, it's an almost impossible task without changing or working through some of these things.

And that is where responsibility and prevention come in. The first step of the person who cheated should always be to take full responsibility for his actions. No excuses. No saying"but I didn't feel loved or understood." No saying "it didn't mean anything." Just admit that it was a devastating decision. Admit that you chose to make it. Say that you are gravely sorry, andcommit to doingwhatever it takes to make things right again.

Now, the person who was cheated on has some responsibility too. I know the affair wasn't your fault and fixing this marriage isn't solely your responsibility, but you can greatly help yourself heal by being honest about what you really want and need and then speaking up. I can't tell you how often women tell me that they want to feel reassured, loved, desired, and sexy to their husbands but they don't want to appear needy by saying this. And, they feel that the husband who cheated should be falling all over himself to make this happen.

But, here's the problem, many husbands who have cheated are afraid of appearing to be an overzealous creep. They assume that their wives see them as repulsive right now and don't want to be so much as touched even atiny bit. So, they hang back, afraid of rejection, and their wives read this as he finds them undesirable.

So, it's really up to you to speak up and give your husband a compass. If you don't want him to touch you for a while, tell him so that there aren't those awkward pauses that make things worse. If you want reassuring hugs and affection, but don't want to be intimate, speak up. So often, husbands really want to make things right in the worst way, but they are so afraid of doing something wrong, so they do nothing. Of course, the wife reads this as him not finding her desirable. So to stop these mixed signals, just be honest. It's very likely your husband is desperate for you to tell him exactly what you need. He wants to make it right, but doesn't know how. And, unfortunately, he can't read your mind.

More On Prevention: So many women tell me that they really do want to save their marriages, but they are stuck with fear because they can not fathom and don't want to ever go through this again. Going through it once is bad enough, but going through it twice would be unacceptable. This is where prevention comes in. You and your husband will need to deeply understand why the affair happened and take safe guards to ensure that it will never repeat itself.

Often this means learning to communicate and show appreciation and affection more. And spending more time together where you are both engaged in exciting and fulfilling activities that bond you and give you new memories to build upon. The idea is to create a new, improved, marriage that is much much better than the old one a marriage that leaves both parties fulfilled, happy, and not wanting to look back and live in the past.

Healing For WivesWith Husbands Who Have Cheated: Before I close this article, I want to address the unique challenges that wives with husband who have cheated face. I know because I have been there and I speak on an almost daily basis to women who all share the same concerns. Most women who read my articles want very much to save their marriages, but often we tend to get stuck, even if it seems that our husbands are doing everything right. Many times, I find that this "being stuck" is due to a blow to your self esteem. Often, we've never been a victim in our lives, but we suddenly feel like one. We feel like someone took the lives that we loved away without our having any say. We feel a wound that we are afraid can never be healed.

But, I'm here to tell you that you can heal. To do that, you need to fill yourself up with things that boost your self confidence. Focus on what makes you happy. Resist becoming the walking wounded. Do the things you've been putting off but have always wanted to do. Change your appearance if you are not confident in it. Or, just focus on what is already beautiful about you. But, whatever you do, don't hide away and allow yourself to become less and less strong.

You are still the beautiful, valuable, worthy woman that you were before the affair. Don't let her take that from you. And don't show your husband an only half complete version of yourself so that you are both always reminded of what is wrong rather than what is right. Create the woman you want to be and do the work necessary to get her the marriage that she wants and deserves.

Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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