Four talking patterns that are most prognosticative of death to a relationship

Four talking patterns that are most prognosticative of death to a relationship

Four communication patterns that are most predictive of death to a relationship. "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The four horsemen are CRITICISM, DEFENSIVENESS, CONTEMPT, and STONEWALLING.

HORSEMAN #1 - CRITICISM

CRITICISM is an over generalized complaint that is personal and attacks your partner's character. Criticisms are statements involving your partner's personality or character and result in your partner feeling attacked. An example of a criticism is "You are always so inconsiderate and selfish!" Criticism uses phrases like: "You never," "You always," "Why don't you ever?" Criticism naturally leads people to feel that they are being personally attacked and invites in the second horseman, defensiveness because the personal feels that they need to defend their character.

HORSEMAN #2 - DEFENSIVENESS

DEFENSIVENESS involves protecting oneself from a perceived attack and seeing oneself as the victim. When a person gets defensive, they experience great anxiety and a flood of emotions that makes it difficult to actually tune in to the intended message of their partner. Defensiveness can also lead to escalation, which inevitably leads to a loss of control. Instead of listening to what is being said, the person being defensive may deny responsibility, place blame or play the victim. Verbal examples include, "Yes, but," "So," "It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ." "That may be true, but you ." Even if you have been criticized, reacting with defensiveness prevents you from solving the problem and further impedes communication.

HORSEMAN #3 - CONTEMPT

CONTEMPT is characterized by hostile words and body language that is particularly aimed at psychologically abusing your partner. These hostile words and body language are meant to harm your partner emotionally and attack their sense of self. Contempt is inevitably the result of holding on to resentment and is even more destructive than criticism. The presence of frequent contempt in a relationship is the largest predictor of relationship failure. Contempt includes openly insulting your partner, disrespecting your partner, and tearing down their self-esteem. Examples of contempt include name-calling, sarcasm, ridiculing (especially in front of others), and hurtful teasing. Examples are "You are just a big, fat, slob," "I can't believe you are so stupid!" "There must be something seriously WRONG with you!" Contempt also includes nonverbal communication such as "eye rolling," and "sneering." Contempt hurts a person's sense of self and inevitably creates a severe sense of negative sentiment toward your partner.

HORSEMAN #4 - STONEWALLING

STONEWALLING is withdrawing from the relationship in order to avoid conflict. When people finally tire of the relentless, criticism, defensiveness, and contempt, they may just shut down and refuse to respond. Examples of stonewalling are suddenly getting silent and refusing to respond during the midst of a discussion or removing oneself physically without communicating to your partner. This is not the same as "taking a break" from a discussion in order to de-escalate. Both partners agreeing to "take a break" and revisit the issue at a later agreed upon time is "de-escalation." When stonewalling becomes a predictable pattern, a relationship can be near its end and in need of immediate intervention.

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