Gender war Truce

Gender war Truce

Gender war Truce

When a divorce becomes a battle it is easy to fall in to the trap of believing that one is in a battle of the sexes. I made that mistake and thought that I represented the Female experience whilst my ex represented the Male experience. Now, some 2 years later I have read and discussed the topic with so many people that I realise that gender was really never part of the equation. Certainly men and women approach things differently, however both are capable of being fair or unfair it's as simple as that.

When a divorce becomes ugly it is simply down to personality traits, pre existing psychological damage and a combination of guilt, revenge, power imbalance and occasionally mismanagement.

The problem with allowing ourselves to be swept in to gender camps is that the underlying problems that cause the ugliness of divorce are never addressed. When you read a column on Divorce the comments below will quickly deteriorate in to a slanging match between men and women. Both will make absolute statements about each other along the lines of - women get everything', men abandon responsibility'. Neither of these statements are true.

What I believe is that in an ugly divorce you may get a selfish aggressive ex partner trying to bombast and bully their way through grabbing all that they can, and this can be either gender. You may have a guilty party e.g. they may have had an affair or a gambling problem, they try to project and avoid their guilt by demonising their ex. You get the vengeful party who may be hurt and determined to make the other pay - again no gender bias there.

The legal system loves it and feeds the frenzy, if they manage to get a combination where both party's are acting out it's a pay day bonus for them. However even if one person is being perfectly reasonable they still have to defend themselves against the other so the Solicitors still make a killing.

I think its important that we all acknowledge that all of the grief caused in divorce can originate with either gender. As a society it would be much better if we discussed how to deal with selfish unreasonable behaviour rather than allowing ourselves to become part of the mindless rabble slinging stones across the barricades at the other genders camp.

When the Divorce is done and we feel that we are moving forward I think we need to be less nave. There are good people and bad around and the full range that runs between the two extremes, however, without fully understanding the kind of people we attract and why, it is not wise to pursue another relationship. It's like using a roulette table to determine who you want to commit yourself too. If our Divorce was ugly, that means there are clearly a lot of issues to be addressed. How did it come to that? How did we contribute? Once understood and acknowledged how do we avoid allowing that to happen again. Do we need another relationship at this point really? Do we not feel complete and ok to be alone for a while? Are we acting in our own best interests? That is a very important question, but not as simple to answer as we might think. It means taking a big step back and looking at our lives as a whole, and perhaps not liking the answers we get. We may not like to acknowledge that we need some time on our own, because it's hard and society seems to says that we are somehow a failure for being on our own. We might not like to hear that our habits are self defeating because its easier to cling to what we know. However, we need to hear it and we need to give ourselves some constructive criticism.

If there is still any part of us that believe that gender is in some way connected to the collapse of our marriage than that is really not the greatest attitude to go in to a new relationship with. Prejudice does not belong in any aspect of our lives.

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