Getting Over Your Spouse's Affair When You Want To Save Your Marriage
Getting Over Your Spouse's Affair When You Want To Save Your Marriage
Most of the people who contact me are the faithful spouse. In other words, I most often (but not always) hear from the spouse who was cheated on or who is dealing with their spouse's affair. And one of the most common topics that I hear is not being able to "get over" the affair. Most people feel that in order to move on in their marriage and in their life, they have to be able to "get over the affair" once and for all.
This is easier said than done of course. Intellectually, many of us want very much to move on. In fact, most of us make up our minds to do precisely that because we don't want to loose the marriage that we have worked so hard for because two people decided (without consulting us) to have an affair. So, we go to bed at night determined that tomorrow, things are going to be different. Tomorrow, we will begin to reclaim our lives and put this behind us.
But, sometimes when tomorrow comes, even though we have resolved and are fully committed to getting over our spouse's affair, something goes wrong. Negative thoughts, fears, and doubts begin to invade our heads again. The mental images of our spouse with someone else make their morning appearance. And, unfortunately, by lunch, we are sometimes right back where we are started. And that's the point where usually the anger comes.
And sometimes, this anger is directed at ourselves. We want to know what is so wrong with us that we can't "just get over it" like other women are able to do. Please believe me when I say that nothing is wrong with you. And just deciding to get over the affair is likely not enough. If people were able to do this through sheer will, I wouldn't get the emails that I get or feel the way that I used to feel. It takes much more than that.
In the following article, I'll outline the things which I believe most people need to get over their spouse's affair in order to eventually save their marriage.
The Things That I Believe You Need To Get Over The Affair When You Want To Save Your Marriage: First things first. I don't want for anyone to believe that moving on or letting this go is something that is required. I find that most people believe that it is. Admittedly, being able to release this and move on is, at least in my opinion, a much healthier option than allowing it to negatively affect the rest of your life. You weren't at fault, so you don't deserve the punishment. Please keep this in mind when you are tempted to beat yourself up about your inability to let go. This is really hard enough, so please be kind to yourself.
Often when people confess that they just aren't able to let their spouse's affair go, I find that there are many common reasons for this. Often, there is nothing wrong with the faithful spouse. It's just that there is something that they need which they haven't yet received, as follows:
1. You Will Need To Truly Believe That The Affair Is Over And Won't Happen Again: It's unrealistic to think that you could possible get over or move on from something which you suspect is still happening. If you worry that the other person is still in the picture (or could be in the future) then this is going to need to be addressed. You simply won't be able to restore the trust if you are constantly having to worry about your spouse being faithful to you. Again, this usually isn't a matter of your resolving to trust your spouse again. This is something that they must earn over time with their actions. If this isn't happening, be honest about this with your spouse and tell them that you need for this to happen in order to move on.
2. You Will Need To Know That Your Spouse Is So Sorry And Upset About The Affair That This Will Never Happen Again: Most of the time, in order to get over something and put it behind you, you'll need to know that you can legitimately close the book on it once and for all. If you feel like you might be revisiting this in the future, then it's much harder to move forward because it's always in the back of your mind. And, when you are worried that your spouse isn't really sorry or hasn't really learned their lesson, this is what sometimes happens.
I find that the vast majority of the people who contact me don't truly believe that their spouse is all that sorry or is remorseful enough. This can be a very big problem and it's quite often one of the most common sticking points that I see. You will often hear the cheating spouse say things like "how many times do I have to say I'm sorry before she believes me?" To which I often reply: "You have to say it until you she finally does believe you because she knows you mean it."
Sometimes, the cheating spouse really is sincere but the trust has been eroded so much that the cheating spouse could say almost anything but still be met with doubt. In these cases, usually the trust has to be restored before anyone can believe that the remorse is genuine.
3. You Need To Believe That The Marriage Can Not Only Be Saved, But It Can Also Be Better: It's only common sense that if you don't have a worthwhile goal that you value at the end of the tunnel, then you're not going to work all that hard to travel to the end of the road. There has to be some incentive that you find desirable enough to work for. Because if you feel that all you have to look forward to is a damaged marriage on shaky ground, then you aren't as likely to move heaven and earth to save it.
But if you're able to have faith that not only can your marriage survive but it can thrive, then the incentive becomes a little more appealing and the needed work becomes less farfetched. Most people know that there are marriages that improve dramatically after the work is done. It's just that they often don't truly believe that this is going to be the case in their own marriage. And sometimes, this is a self fulfilling prophecy. Consider allowing yourself to believe that you can and will get through this. Because that can make all of the difference.
4. You Must Believe That You Are Worth The Effort: It's so easy to get discouraged in this situation. You usually feel bad about most things in your life. You worry that something is wrong with you. You fear that you let your family down. You suspect that you've let yourself go or are no longer desirable. With all these thoughts and doubts running through your head, it's easy to just shut down and worry that none of this is worth the effort.
But you are worth the effort. You deserve to be happy. And, sometimes you will have to work on your self esteem in order to really believe this. But, you must believe this if you really want to get over the affair. You have to know that none of this was your fault and that the mistake and the shortcomings lie with your spouse, not with you.
I know that trying to get over your spouse's affair is extremely difficult. And I had my doubts about my own ability to do this, but our marriage did survive. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, it is actually stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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