Good Memories And Bad Memories

Every one of us has a personal scream

Every one of us has a personal scream. Maybe, more !!!

I am about to share mine. Maybe, your scream will get company. Maybe, peace will descend. Maybe, strength will develop. Maybe, you will smile all the way from your heart. Maybe, ghosts will be exorcised.

Psychic calamity ! Shattered nerves ! Limited means as the default position ! Having to repay too much with too little resources ! Setting priorities. Failing miserably. Resetting priorities. Failing again. This was a daily chore.

While nights were an escape, the mornings were haunted for people will come to the door step again. Every time the door bell rung, something inside me disintegrated a little. There was swirling chaos in the mind and vacant expressions in the eyes. No one heard my silent screams that begged attention but I was too proud to ask.

Everyone looking at me with sympathy or a snarl was the touchstone of troubled times. I used to look in the mirror searching for a powerful image. What stared back was an unforgettable dense brooding face. Its power to shock me remained undiminished for a long time. The heart released a personal scream that never abated in its disorientation. There used to be a negative emotional response to about everything.

The ultimate embodiment of fear, alienation, became a fact of life. My life was fraught and anxiety driven.

My case study could have launched a thousand therapists

Me and my family was going through the toughest times of our life.

We were cheated, ridiculed, insulted, mocked, ignored, brushed away, given up on, disrespected, taken for granted. While burial was awaited, eulogies were written and discussed. The smiles were fake. It hurt us deep.

Why me god? was my relentless self sympathizing question to no one is particular. Had put on a face of grace that hid as much as a see through bikini. When they knew I was looking at them, they pretended not to look. Otherwise, they pointed it out to all and ensured no one missed the fun. No one gave a towel or suggested an alternative. Self sympathy makes everything worse and I played right into it.

It was just another ordinary morning. There was no particularly unnerving event. I have no idea what was the trigger. Lying lazily alone in bed, around 8 am in the morning, I just told myself, Enough is enough. I was fed up of myself. I was ashamed of my life. I took a simple decision. Let me turn it around. I promised myself. Whatever happens, no self sympathy ! I decided to fight it out. Instead of Why me god? I said to HIM, Try me god! I am your product. I am meant to succeed and not to fail. Ha !!!

by: Narendra Goidani

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