He Cheated But Wants Me Back. What Should I Do?

He Cheated But Wants Me Back

He Cheated But Wants Me Back. What Should I Do?

I recently received correspondence from a wife who had finally gotten what she thought she wanted. About a year ago, she had found out that her husband had been cheating on her with a coworker. She was so shocked, hurt, and upset about the cheating that she asked the husband to move out until he could decide what he really wanted and could commit to staying away from the other woman completely.

The husband stayed away for a few months, checking in only occasionally. Over these months, the wife began to doubt her decision. She could not deny that she still loved him and ultimately wished that there were some way to work this out. But, she knew that she could not rush this process. If and when he decided that he wanted to come back, she wanted for him to be 100% sure about this. She knew that she was going to need this kind of commitment in order to even think about moving forward.

So, about eight months after the affair ended, the husband asked to have lunch with the wife. Over lunch, he poured out his heart, begged for forgiveness, and told his wife that he would spend the rest of his life showing her that he could be a good husband. Of course, the wife felt relieved to hear these words, but she didn't know where to go from here. She was afraid to trust her husband again. She did not want to be the wife who went back to her husband, only to have him cheat again. She wanted to know what was the best way to proceed. I'll tell you what I told her in the following article.

Both People Wanting To Stay Married After Cheating Is Only One Part Of The Equation: There's no denying that the husband's new commitment and declarations were positive things. The situation could certainly be worse. I hear from many women whose husbands are unwilling to give up the other person. This was not the case here. Both people wanted to remain married, so that was at least one obstacle that was out of the way.

Unfortunately though, this is sometimes not enough. The wife was behaving 100% normally when she had concerns that the husband might cheat again or that sometime in the near future, her inability to trust was going to become a huge factor in the marriage. There are often many issues which must be successfully over come and worked through in order to have complete success. Wanting to stay married is a very good start, but knowing how to stay married was ultimately what needed to happen.

Coming Up With A Workable Plan That Allows For the Trust To Be Restored After Cheating: Most couples who are trying to overcome cheating are going to need a workable plan or road map. First off, you will often need to know how you got here. Getting this answer can sometimes be very elusive and difficult. People often have a hard time figuring out why they cheated and why they won't again. I often hear phrases like "I just don't know what I was thinking." Or, "how could I have been so stupid?"

Sometimes, uncovering the real answers to these questions is a process, but it should never be hurried or ignored because if you both don't know why and how this happened, not only do you not know how to fix it, but you don't know how to make sure that it doesn't happen again. Restoring the trust is probably the biggest obstacle that most marriages trying to overcome cheating face. So, it's vitally important that this work is done. If it isn't, these issues have a way of continuing to rear their ugly heads and the marriage is going to continue to be a struggle.

This is sometimes a process that just takes time. Much of the time, the spouse who cheated figures out that the affair or infidelity was an attempt to address low self esteem, some major life milestone or vulnerability, or as an attempt to bring excitement into their lives as a way to cope with stress. Men are sometimes reluctant to admit these vulnerabilities, but this is often necessary. These vulnerabilities and aren't not nearly as detrimental as they are feared and they're almost always less detrimental than cheating.

Taking Things Slowly When Your Spouse Who Cheated Wants You Back: Ultimately, this wife was going to have to search her feelings and wishes and decide how to proceed. But, there was no need for her to be in any hurry whatsoever. Nor did she need to allow for her husband to pressure her. By his own admission, he wasn't going anywhere, so there was no reason to rush into any decisions.

Basically I told the wife that she should move slowly in order to eventually decide if she felt the husband and the marriage were rehabilitated to her satisfaction. There was no right or wrong answer here. The real answer is what is right for her. And only she was going to know this answer, but I felt strongly that it was more likely to come gradually rather than all at once.

I know that these things can be difficult to address, but they are important. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

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