He Cheated and Now I Have No Trust – Tips and Advice That May Help
One of the most common topics on my blog about infidelity is the lack of any trust following the cheating
. Common comments are things like: "I really do want to move on but I don't know that I can ever really trust him again," or "Will I always second guess him this way? Will the trust ever return?;" or "How on earth can you learn to trust someone again who has betrayed you in such an awful way?"
I absolutely understand these doubts as I've had them myself in my own experience, but because of this I can also tell you first hand that the trust can be restored over time,with considerable effort and patience. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Trust Following His Cheating Has To Be Earned. It Can Not Be Truly Given If It Is Not Deserved: I know that there is an inclination to declare that you trust him again far too soon. This is because all of the doubts and mistrust feel painful and awkward. You just do not want to dwell in this place for any longer than you have to. However, a true restoration of the trust one that is genuine and one that you truly feel and aren't just saying that you feel comes over time. It has to be earned in order to stick. Over time, you must come to know that he is being truthful and trustworthy. You are not catching him in little white lies or in tiny omissions because he is telling you the whole truth.
There are many things that he can do to bring this along a little faster. He can cut all contact with the other woman. He can be forthcoming about his whereabouts, intentions, and feelings. He can allow you to check up on him because he knows that this will bring you peace of mind. (I often advise men to give their wives their email passwords and access to the cell phone.) He can be very generous with his reassurance or affection. He can agree to go to counseling if you feel this is what you need. He can be honest and forthcoming and can work with you to identify what needs to occur in order for both of you to be secure and to feel fulfilled.
In short, he really needs to give much more than he takes here. The initiative should be taken by him. Sure, you too absolutely have work to do as well. But I can not tell you how many men visit my blog and wonder why their wives are so resistant to trust when they are done little if anything toward restoring this trust. You can not just blindly hope that this is going to fix itself. You must take a very active role.
Likewise if you, as the wife, are not getting exactly what you need to restore the trust, then you must speak up. Unfortunately, he can not read your mind. Often, he really wants to do what is right, but he's wrong about what this is. If you need to draw him a road map, so be it. Many of us get stuck on what we should not have to do. But the truth is, sometimes it's better to just ask for what you need rather than not getting what you need at all.
Trusting Yourself Is Just As Important As Trusting Him: Often when wives write to me and tell me that their husband is doing everything that he can to restore the trust, but they just can't seem to let it go, Iwonder how much they trust themselves. See, being cheated on will make you second and third guess your ability to correctly perceive what is right in front of you. You will be mad at yourself either because your perceptions failed you or because your perceptions were right, but you didn't listen to them until it was much too late.
Some women will take this even further and blame themselves for the affair. They didn't take good enough care of their husbands. They let their appearance go a little too much. They took him for grated, etc. This kind of thinking will truly get you no where. It's a vicious cycle that you have to stop in it's tracks. This was not in any way your fault. He cheated because of where he was lacking not because of where you were lacking.
And you missed this because you love your husband and expected the same from him. You can not beat yourself up over this. The best way to get over come this is to work tirelessly to restore your self esteem and self worth. You are going to have a much easier time trusting him if you can trust that you can handle what comes your way.
You have to come to know that no one is perfect and that you'd rather love without restraint and deal with the aftermath if it comes than live your life fully afraid to really experience for the fear of getting hurt. You must believe that youare strong enough to navigate whatever comes your way and that you deserve nothing less than what is the best life for you. Then you musttrust that you are strong enough to go out and get this -whether this new life includes him or not.
I know that restoring the trust can seem impossible, but hanging in there can be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
He Cheated and Now I Have No Trust Tips and Advice That May Help
By: Katie Lersch
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