Heiny or Butts for Dollars... by:Ed Williams

Folks, controversy is rearing its ugly head here in central Georgia

, and your friendly Juliette journalist is right on top of it!

Don't y'all just love a juicy controversy? I sure do, and do I have one for y'all this week! We have a middle Georgia county locked in a fierce debate over whether or not to change its name!

It gets even better. The county in question, as I said, is right here in central Georgia, better yet, it adjoins Monroe County, the county I grew up in, and their high school football team was our mortal nemesis. Both schools, if the truth be known, hated each other back then and still do today, so that makes it even sweeter to bring this right out into the open for discussion. The county we're talking about is Butts County, Georgia!

That's right, Butts County. From the news reports I've seen, some of the more forward thinkers in the county feel that the name inhibits it from getting industry to locate there. The more traditional folks think the name's just fine, and that things should stay just as they are. The squawking over it is heating up big time, and promises to get even hotter.

Some of you out there might think that I'm about to heap it on here in an effort to further stir the division between the forward thinkers and the traditionalists over in Butts County. Nothing could be further from the truth. In addition, most of y'all probably think that I'm going to side with the forward thinkers, and then add in my two cents worth over why the name should be changed. Well, on this particular score y'all would be partially right, but only partially. I do think the name of the county should be changed, but not for reasons that y'all might suspect.

Amazing as it may seem, I'm going to side with the traditionalists here. They want the name to stay the same, come hell or high water. I can appreciate their traditions and feelings, but, I'd take it one step further. If I was them, I'd change the name to further the tradition, not change it!

Doesn't make sense? Well, let me be clearer. The traditionalists shouldn't just argue about keeping the name, rather, they should change it to make it even better, to reinforce what's already there. To build upon an already existing theme, if you will. To illustrate my point, how about these potential new county names:

Heiny County - Wait, don't just rule it out right off the bat. Think about it for a second. This name would get out quickly, and fast become well known all over the world. Just think, industry seekers in the county could go out and talk with Heinz Ketchup to get them to consider starting up a Heiny County facility. Why, imagine the advertising slogans that would come from such a venture, things like, "Heinz and Heiny, A Product That's Shiny!" Or, here's something even better - Heineken Breweries gets invited to locate there, and one day an advertising slogan goes out that reads, "Heineken and Heiny - They Go Together!" Man, you can't put a price on cool publicity like that!

Pink Apples County - Okay, okay, I can't think of any slogans or obvious advantages to this name, but I just had to throw it in here.

"Bum" County - This particular name could have some real advantages. A yearly festival called "Bums and Crumbs" could be set up where bums from all over the southeast are invited in for a special series of events. Think of what draws competitions like the 10 yard, "I'm Standing With My Sign Just Off An Interstate Ramp Looking Healthier Than You Do," escape from the highway patrol dash would be, or the "Where Is The Most Creative Public Place I Can Take A Whiz" treasure hunt? Prizes wouldn't cost much, and for one full weekend the county would be the hospitality mecca of the South. It just doesn't get much better than that.

And there you have it. Up to the minute coverage of a breaking dispute right here in central Georgia. Covered with the utmost impartiality, and with the tender style and commitment that all my readers have come to expect. And, if y'all think this is first class journalism, just wait til I write one about the nudie bar controversy that's simmerin' over here in Macon....

About the author

Ed's latest book, "Rough As A Cob," can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He's also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.

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