How Can I Get Over My Husband's Affair And Save My Marriage? I'll Tell You

How Can I Get Over My Husband's Affair And Save My Marriage

? I'll Tell You

I often write about the complex issues involved in an affair and healing from it. I'm often approached by both husbands and wives who want to know how to "get over the affair to save or move on with the marriage." This can be a two part question. The person who has been cheated on wants to know how to move past the reoccurring feelings of hurt and betrayal so that they can begin to heal.

The person who has cheated sometimes has to "get over" their feelings for the other person, or, if that is no longer an issue, they need to "get over" the feelings of guilt, self loathing, and blame in order to move on. You have to always consider that getting stuck (by either party) in the mire of negative feelings really does nothing to help you emerge from the situation. So, while these negative feelings which hold you back are perfectly normal and understandable, we must be able to "get over" them so that they eventually lose their death grip on us. This article will discuss tips and strategies to help you move forward from and eventually "get over" the affair once and for all.

Give Yourself Enough Time To Grieve: There's no question that when you first learn about the affair, you're likely to be devastated. This is very shocking and unwelcome news which can bring you to your knees. You begin to question yourself, your desirability, and how you could be so naive. These feelings are horrible to go through day after day, so it's normal to want to move past them as quickly as you can. However, if you move on without really honestly examining your feelings and your marriage, thenthese doubtswill keep coming back to thwart you, your happiness, and your marriage, time and time again. Don't feel compelled to "get over it" on someone else's time table or under the pressure of your husband or wife. These things take time and healing will actually come quicker if you give yourself permission to process the situation for as long as it takes.

Make Sure You Have All Of The Information You Need: Wives whose husbands have an affair generally fall into two categories - there is the wife who wants to know as little about the affair as possible, and there is the wife who wants to know EVERYTHING - everywhere they went, what they did, howthe other womanlooks, etc. etc.

Actually, the most important questions that any wife should be asking her cheating husband is"will youshow and convince methat this will never happen again?" and "why did this happen in the first place so we can fix the problem?"

To really get over an affair, you need to feel that your husband (or wife) fully understands the fall out from the decision he / she made and deeply regrets it. You both need to understand why it happened and fix any problems that contributed to it. And, the person who cheated needs to make themselves both emotionally and physically available to the other. So, he needs to understand that you are going to want to know where is his (and who he's with) for a quite a while. And, he needs to provide you with reassurance as to your desirability and his trustworthiness. Once each partner is then getting their needs met and feels understood, it's then much easier to begin to "get over the affair to save the marriage."

But, all of these things must be in place. If the wife wonders if her husband is really where he is, or if she feels he's only sorry about the affair because he was caught, or if she worries he's stillsneaking around, truly moving on isnot going to be possible. Make sure you communicate with your partner exactly what you need from them to heal.

Focus On Counteracting Negative Feelings With Positive Ones: All of the hard conversations that you and your husband (or wife) will need to have about the affair so that it is not repeated may seem a lot like drudgery after awhile and may not be very enjoyable. This can cloud every thing about the marriage and make moving on a lot harder.

Yes, you should talk about the affair so that you both understand why it happened and why it never will happen again, but don't allow it to become a third party in your marriage that never leaves. Once things begin to get better, spend some quality time together (there doesn't need to be any sex or intimacy until you're ready), I'm just talking about light hearted time together that takes the focus off of what is wrong for a while. It may just be a walk in the part, or grabbing a quick bite to eat at a new restaurant, but it's important that the entire focus of your being together is not always focused on the affair because this will then turn every association about your marriage into a negative one.

Speaking of positive feelings, take the time to place your own needs first. It's so easy to sit around and mope and feel like a second class citizen, but don't. Participate in things that give you joy and peace. Don't feel guilty for doing this. You deserve to be happy and the more content you are, the easier you make it to work through the issues at hand in the coming days.

The bottom line is that getting over an affair to save the marriage requires that everyone has been heard, understood, and that all needs will be met going forward so that there is no fear that it will happen again. And, husband and wife need to focus on recreating positive feelings so that the affair isn't always a following, dark, cloud hanging over the marriage.

Getting past my husband's affair took a lot of time, hard work and effort, but it was worth it because I now understand him, our marriage, and myself much more intimately. This has strengthened our marriage, and I no longer worry that he is going to cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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