How Can I Repair My Marriage If I'm The Spouse Who Cheated?
How Can I Repair My Marriage If I'm The Spouse Who Cheated
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I often write about repairing a marriage when the spark is gone or a distance has appeared between you. Lately, though, I've been starting to get emails from spouses (both husbands and wives) who tell me that they greatly regret cheating on their spouse and now they want to repair the marriage but they don't know how.
Specifically, they are looking for advice on how to restore the trust and convince the spouse who was cheated on that they are really sincere in their love, desire, and affection.This can be a tricky situation that takes knowledge, understanding, and patience. This article will discuss some things that you can do to help repairthe marriage when you were the one who made the mistake of cheating and now deeply regret it. (Please note this is only intended for folks who understand why they cheated, know that this was a one time thing, and are committed that it will never happen again. It is not my intention to help you convince your spouse that they can trust you and have faith in you again if this really isn't true.)
Take Full Responsibility For The Affair If You Were The One Who Cheated. Don't Blame Your Spouse.The Choice Was Yours, Not Theirs: I completely understand that there are many factors that will contribute to a person seeking to meet some need outside of the marriage. Studies show that most people who cheat do so in an attempt to have their emotional not physical needs met.
And, I also know that studies indicate that over 75% of people who cheated deeply wish they could take it back.So, I do understand that people who cheat often don't think it through, don't intend any real harm, and often actually think that they are sparing their spouse difficult conversations and issues by meeting their needs elsewhere.
However, no matter the state of your marriage when you decided to cheat (no matter if your wife didn't understand you, didn't communicate with you, or didn't meet your needs) you made the decision to be unfaithful. You and you alone. Yes, there well could have contributing factors. But, a better option would have been to communicate these factors instead of making a decision that your spouse had no input in and no control over.
Still, you can't take the affair back, you are deeply sorry,and you want to move on.The first step in doing this is totake full responsibility for the affairandsincerely apologize. You need to show your spouse that you fully understand the effect of your actions and you take full responsibility for them.
Don't try to offer up contributing factors, reasons, or excuses.Don't tell or hint to your spouse that if they had made you happy and fulfilled, you wouldn't have cheated.Don't try to downplay your cheating or tell your spouse it didn't mean anything. It may well have meant little to you, but it probably means quite a lot to them.
Instead, look your wife or husband right in the eye and ask that they share with you anything that's on their mind. Listen without interruption. Let them you that you hear them,understand and validate how they are feeling, and take full responsibility. Do not blame them.Sincerely express thatyou are genuinely sorry.Make the commitment (again looking them in the eye) that you are going to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes to fix this situation and facilitate the healing.
Have Patience With Your Spouse As They Try To Process And Try To Work Through The Pain Of The Affair:It's very important that you understand and accept that it may take a while for your husband or wife to work through the affair. Even if they are understanding, forgive you, and are committed to making the marriage work after your cheating, there are days when all of the emotional negative feelings may come crashing back down.
They may wake up one morning feeling forgiveness, love and affection, and then totally beangry againby noon. These mood swings are normal and you must have understanding and patience.It's very common for the spouse who cheated to get frustrated and eventually lash out with proclamations like "I"m sorry about the affair, but I can't take it back and you can't punish me forever." This is very valid. You too have a right to feel this way. But, always put yourself in your spouse's shoes. An affair is devastating to the wronged spouse. It can seriously undermine their self esteem, willingness to trust, and ability to be open and vulnerable. They've been dealt a major blow. It will take a while for them to over come it.
Also, it's likely that they will want you to be open and accountable about your whereabouts. They may have suspicions even when you give them no current reason to. Unfortunately, you're going to have to ride this out. They have the right to know. You've abused their trust in the past so you'll have to be patient and accountable while you are earning it back.Just openly tell them where you'll be and who you're going to be with (and of course be exactly where you say) and over time this will become less and less troublesome as the trust rebuilds.
The Affair CanMake The Communication In Your Marriage More Open and Honest: So far, I've only talked about the bad aspects of the affair. But, although you may not believe it right now, some good can come of it but only if you use the affair as a wake up call as to where your marriage was lacking.
Usually,anaffair will shine a light on the fact that communication needs to be more open and honest. If couples can use the affair as a starting point to improve their communication and intimacy, positive things can result. We've all heard couples say that their marriage was actually better after an affair. This can be true if you are able to honestly evaluate what was wrong and then genuinely fix it.
If you think it may help to show your spouse this article, feel free to do that. It may help them to see that you are genuinely sorry and are doing all you can to help them get over the affairbecause you love them and desperately want to save your marriage.
Although my situation wasn't exactly the same as this one, it may help you to read about how I was able to save my marriage when I was the only one who wanted to. I made many mistakes that almost cost me my marriage, but in the end, I finally came up with a strategy that worked for both of us. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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