How Did St. John of Patmos Not See Billy Ray Cyrus Coming?

How Did St

How Did St. John of Patmos Not See Billy Ray Cyrus Coming?

Forgive me. Even Hieronymus Bosch would call me a creep today, but I need to get a few things off my chest.

It all started this morning at work when I was finally overcome by the realization that the Country Music radio station I've been forced to listen to for the last 11 months had become unbearable. Don't get me wrong, I'm not categorically opposed to the Oklahoma sound. Give me your unwanted and your outcast--your Ray Wylie Hubbards, your James McMurtrys, your Shooter Jenningses, your Merle Haggards, your Willie Nelsons--anyone whose songs bear a passing resemblance to reality. Give me those who understand the timeless wisdom of Woody Guthrie's weltanschauung, "As a folk singer, it's my job to comfort disturbed people, and disturb comfortable people."

But can you For-The-Love-of-God spare me the ad nauseum effluviam of backyard-pool-floating Park Avenue cowpokes and suburban California-bred, Country-accent school graduates like Alan Jackson, Trace Adkins, Toby Keith, Keith Urban, and father-pimp Billy Ray Cyrus. Enough already with the syrupy sentimentality, obsolete American-Dream memology, and too-easy barstool patriotism. By the way, Hit Your Knees. According to the dee-jays, we should all be praying for Billy Ray and Miley over a divorce or some sort of family crisis that he could easily solve by pulling out his checkbook.

It's also worth noting that Toby Keith sings (I'm sure he's not smart enough to have written) what is arguably the dumbest song lyric in musical history. To wit, from the smash hit "American Ride":

That's us, that's right;

Gotta love this American ride;

Both ends of the ozone burning;

Funny how the world keeps turning.

As if the planet's not in trouble until large metallic objects start to spontaneously combust before our very eyes. What a f***ing retard.

[Disclaimer: Since the word "retarded" is no longer officially used in reference to the intellectually challenged, I have decided that the term "retard" is now freed up for use in describing people like Toby Keith. The term "f***ing" is derived from the Norse "f***."]

Faced with the untenability of any further auditory exposure, I asked my supervisor (who I don't really like because she's always trying to tell people what to do), could we please, please, please listen to something else for a change. She said, "No, it helps the rest of us normal people get through the day." That hurt. Nevertheless, any day that Billy Ray Cyrus can get me through is a day I don't want to get through.

Oh well, whatareyougonnadofugetaboutit? When you spend your entire life stranded on the River Styx between the Land of Human Beings and the Land of Human Doings, you end up pissed off about Country Music.

As if this indignity weren't enough to justify suicide, the Patriot-News recently reported on how the Department of Homeland (am I still the only person who gets the piss shivvers when he hears that word) Security has Pennsylvania law enforcement officials all spying on you and shit. In accordance with the goals of a DHS/FBI/corporate information-sharing partnership which includes a program known as InfraGard, intelligence is being collected on Tea Partiers, Marcellus-shale protestors, anti-war activists, and anyone else who dares to publicly question the The National Psychosis, and being passed on to the ownership of Pennsylvania corporations who think of themselves as essential to the American Infrastructure.

What this means is, if you engage in anything other than the most banal of political causes, you will be regarded as a potential threat to the ability of Hershey's Mexican Chocolate to make money. If it's a sunny day, your parents, friends, and neighbors will be visited by guys wearing sunglasses (who should, by the way, be complimented for their foresight in trying to prevent the macular degeneration caused by a phenomenon that Toby Keith is being paying paid handsomely to convince you doesn't exist). It also means that, if you happen to work for a company that participates in the DHS Pussies-for-Profit program, and you happen to publicly express yourself in a way not in strict accordance with the Pussies-for-Profit program, cause will eventually be found for the termination of your employment and health benefits. My uneducated advice, if you have children who will be affected by America's unpayable debt, is to keep your mouth shut.

There is a misconception in America that a problem which has been reported has been solved. All such a report really accomplishes is to determine the extent to which you've been desensitized to its implications. [Nice work on the torture thing]. The MBAs are salivating for your response.

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