How Do You Get Over The Guilt When You Cheated?
How Do You Get Over The Guilt When You Cheated
?I sometimes get emails from people who are trying very hard to restore their marriage and their life after they were the one who cheated or had an affair. But, even though they're trying their best, they can't seem to get past the guilt and shame that their actions have brought. This in turn can affect their ability to save their marriage or to rebuild their relationship with their loved one or spouse (even if that same person is willing to make things work.) So, in the following article, I will offer some insights and tips that will hopefully help you to finally ditch the guilt once and for all.
What's Done Is Done. You Can't Take Back The Affair, But You Can Control Your Actions Today: In much the same way that worry can be said to be a wasteful emotion, the same can be said for guilt. The truth is, you can't turn back time and make it so the affair or the cheating never happened, although I'm sure that you would sometimes like to. So, dwelling on something that can never really happen is pointless.
You can't control the past. You can however, control how you conduct yourself today. I know that this is easier said than done, but vow to approach every day as a new opportunity to make things right. You might feel as though you've having to live with and to deal with the past as far as your spouse or loved one is concerned. This is understandable and you can not always control how they are feeling or coping. You can however, control the way that YOU are feeling and coping. Vow today, at least as far as yourself is concerned, to work in the present and the future rather than in the past.
Make Sure That Your Spouse Knows How Sorry You Are And Give Them A Relationship Or A Resolution That They Can Look Forward To: One sure way to leave the past behind is to create a future that makes you want to look forward rather than back. It's equally as important that you adequately express how sorry you are so that you can move forward knowing that you haven't left things unsaid. Often, people who cheated feel so much shame and guilt, that they will turn inward and clam up when what they really need to do is to take their loved on by the hand, look them in the eye, and offer up a very heartfelt and meaningful apology.
You want to make it very clear that you understand how wrong and devastating your actions were and that you're going to spend the coming days, weeks, months, and years making this up to them by becoming the best spouse that you possibly can and by producing a relationship and partner that is much better than what they had before.
With these things said, you will know that you are doing all that you can. And, you'll know that you are giving them the partner that they deserve. Many people do not connect the dots to realize that their guilt and shame is negatively affecting their spouse as much as it is affecting them. This misplaced guilt makes you hesitant and only partly there. It keeps you from giving your all and from from giving the affection and reassurance that I can almost guarantee your spouse really wants right now.
Understand Why You Took This Actions (And Help Them To Understand It As Well) So That You Don't Have To Worry That It will Happen Again: Often, the guilt that you're feeling goes hand and hand with the doubt that you might feel when you try to rebuild. If you don't understand why this happened and then go about placing safeguards in place, you will allow for your doubt to seep through and sabotage things moving forward.
Don't get me wrong. There really isn't a valid "excuse" for cheating. There is always another choice. But, if you can understand why you did it (and help your loved one understand also) then this can help to begin the healing process and can help you begin to ditch that guilt. Once you've done this and are confident that you and your spouse don't have to worry about dealing with this again in the future, you will begin to gain the confidence that this situation can be rectified and fixed.
And frankly, knowing that you've righted the wrong so much that your and your spouse have never been happier and more fulfilled is the best way to begin to move on. Moving on is often the first process of getting past the guilt. Just for today vow that you're going to realize that this guilt is only holding you back. It's not fair to you or your spouse. It does nothing positive for you. All it's doing is delaying the healing. You can not change the past. It's done and over. But you can change what happens in your future and you can work tirelessly to make things better. This is where your focus should be.
I was the cheated on, not the cheater, in my relationship. So, I know exactly how the "cheated on" spouse feels. But, my husband was the "guilty" and this negatively affected us for a very long time. Eventually, we came to know that healing and moving on is possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/