How NOT to Have a Miserable Holiday...Even Though Your Marriage is On the Rocks

How NOT to Have a Miserable Holiday...Even Though Your Marriage is On the Rocks

By Susie and Otto Collins

The bickering, arguments and snide comments have been non-stop for several months now. Sam wonders how he's going to make it through the holidays when things between he and his wife, Renee, are so contentious.

The last thing that Sam wants is for their marital troubles to ruin the holidays for everyone else in their family and among their friends. He wishes that he and Renee could declare a holiday "truce" and find some way to treat each other with love, kindness and consideration-- at least for the month of December!

He's just not sure that's possible.

Sam doesn't know what else to do but pretend that his marriage with Renee is just fine and hope that she'll play along too. The thought of doing this feels wrong and stresses him out. It's looking like it will be a miserable holiday.

No matter what your religious or spiritual beliefs are, there are many people around the world who celebrate holidays during the month of December.

These are often times when we gather together with family and friends to commemorate special days. We share in traditions, sing songs, partake of special foods and drink and create warm memories...at least this is the intention for many of us.

When your marriage is troubled and on the rocks, no matter how cheery and festive your intentions, the reality can pretty much be a nightmare.

How is a person to be authentic and not let the difficulties going on in his or her relationship overshadow the holiday experience?

Don't pretend.

It might seem like the easy option to pretend that there are no troubles in your marriage-- around your family and friends and even with your mate. This is probably going to be more challenging and damaging to you than you'd expect.

Keep in mind that there is a big difference between being "real" about what's going on right now in your marriage and dumping your problems and angst on anyone and everyone.

You certainly want to avoid a big blow-up with your spouse in the middle of the family's holiday dinner. However, it's not necessarily a good idea to force yourself to be affectionate with your partner if you're feeling angry or resentful toward him or her.

If you suspect that your mate is cheating, for example, the last thing you might want to do is to put on a performance for your family to try and convince everyone that you two are "so in love."

It's likely that those who know and care about you will see through the facade anyway.

Find the balance between joining in with the festivities and being authentic about what's true for you right now in your relationship.

Keep communication with your spouse as open as possible.

Don't make assumptions about what your mate is willing and unwilling to do around the holidays. Just because, for instance, you two have always traveled to your Aunt Jan's house for a visit every year in the past he or she may not want to do that this year.

Conversely, your partner might be more excited about joining in with your parents' annual tree trimming party than you thought he or she would be.

Don't assume.

Be clear about what you want-- first within yourself and then with your partner. Try to leave the criticisms and hostility out of your conversations about plans. Make it more important to find a solution that will meet both of your needs at the moment than it is for you to be "right" or to "win."

This might actually be a time to try out some new strategies for honestly communicating your wants and needs without the blame or criticism.

Listen with a desire to understand where your partner is coming from. It could be that he or she wants to skip certain traditions that you two have always done. You don't have to take this personally.

Try to stay in touch with what you most want and then decide whether or not you'll continue the tradition alone.

Stay in the present moment as you listen to your partner's preferences and you feel into yourself to know your own preferences. You truly cannot know what next year's holidays will be like. Why worry about that now?

Create honest and meaningful experiences.

As you and your spouse talk about which traditions you each want to do and which you want to skip this year, stay open.

Remember your priority to be authentic, be clear, listen to your spouse and yourself AND to stay open to solutions. Let these priorities lead you through the challenges.

There might be new holiday-oriented experiences that both you and your partner are willing to try this year. These different activities might end up being more meaningful-- and possibly connecting-- than what you've always done.

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