How To Heal Your Marriage After Cheating
How To Heal Your Marriage After Cheating
How To Heal Your Marriage After Cheating
In the past, I've shared my story of how I was able to heal after my husband's cheating. I'm often contacted by people who want specifics on how I did it. I'm often asked for help in coming up with a plan to "fix the marriage after cheating." My advice often differs slightly depending on the situation, but there are several things that I will recommend to almost every one no matter the circumstances and no matter whether the person is the spouse who cheated or is the spouse who was cheated on. I'll share those things with you in the following article, in the hope that something you read here will help you begin the path toward healing both yourself and your marriage.
Taking Responsibility For Any Part You Had In The Cheating: I can not stress how important it is that the person who cheated take immediate and complete responsibility. No matter what was the state of your marriage or what contributing circumstances existed, you made the decision to have an affair. I know that you now deeply regret it and want to make things right, but you have to understand that you did chose this action when there were likely many other choices available and you will need to take responsibility for that if you are going to be able to eventually restore the trust in your marriage.
Make sure that your spouse knows that you completely understand (and deeply regret) the consequences of your actions and you're willing to do whatever is needed to help them heal. Never offer up excuses or ask them to shoulder the blame. I understand that they may have been inattentive or didn't address your needs fully, but placing the blame on to them is not going to help your cause.
Likewise, you'll want to be completely accountable in the days and weeks following the affair. You'll want to make yourself available to your spouse, having no secrets between you. Give them your cell phone records and your email access. Make sure they know that you are an open book and have nothing to hide.
Finally, when you are expressing your regret and your apologies, look at your spouse directly. Make direct eye contact. Take their hand if they will let you. Don't look away or shift uncomfortably. Often, this is an awkward situation and the pain will make it tempting to look away, but don't. I can't tell you how many spouses tell me that this inability to make eye contract portrays betrayal and not being truthful.
With that said, the spouse who was cheated on needs to take an honest look at any contributing circumstances when they are ready. This may be painful, but it is necessary for future reference when you are trying to improve the marriage.
Honesty Is Essential On Both Sides: You may not believe me when I say that it's more common for dishonesty about the feelings after the affair to end the marriage than for the feelings before the affair to destroy it. What I mean by that is that it's often not the betrayal that does the marriage in. Instead, it's very often both parties' inability to communicate their true feelings and what they need in the aftermath of the affair.
The defenses and the walls come up and the resentment and the things left unsaid begins to build and fester. Both spouses worry intensely about how they are being seen by the other spouse. The spouse who cheated will often worry about appearing perverted or pushy if they initiate affection or touch. The spouse who was cheated on is often faced with conflicting feelings of wanting reassurance and affection, but not being able to overcome their anger and not wanting to appear to be a pushover who is forgiving too soon. And often, both parties worry about what third parties think: will everyone think I have no backbone if I forgive him?, etc."
The truth is, you can't worry about what anyone thinks but the two of you. And, you have to be honest about what you are feeling because if you aren't, you won't get what you need. If you need some distance to sort things out, gently but firmly ask for it. If you would like some reassurance and affection to confirm that you are still desirable, speak up. Unfortunately, your partner can't read your mind, and they're as afraid as you are of doing the wrong things. Know that the things that remain unsaid will only build the tension between you and slow your healing.
Restoring Your Confidence And Working Past The Fear: Often in the aftermath of the affair is the unspoken fear that you aren't attractive enough (if you were cheated on) or that you messed up too bad (if you cheated) to truly remain lovable and worthy. You will need to address this in your healing. Because if you don't, the doubts will always be bubbling under the surface keeping you from true intimacy. You will need to take some time apart from the marriage to focus on yourself and rebuilding your self esteem and internal strength. This is not selfish, it's necessary for your emotional health as both an individual and as part as a partnership.
Understanding That TheCheating Doesn't Have To Destroy Your Marriage: It's actually very common for people to contact me and to tell me that, as weird as it sounds, their marriage is actually stronger and more satisfying after they did the work necessary to fully heal. What typically happens is that the affair is the nudge that they needed to finally address issues that no one wanted to discuss or fix. An affair forces your attention to these things and if you can work through them once and for all, the outcome is usually better than you expected and pleasantly surprising.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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