How To Stay In A Marriage When He Cheated Or Had An Affair
The other day, Ireceived a pretty heartfelt email from a wife whose husband had been unfaithful
. She was really struggling with "staying in the marriage." She said she would never take her children from their home or disrupt herfamily. She wanted for things to remain the same, but she was having a hard time looking at him everyday and trying to pretend that nothing was wrong when this was really eating her alive. The truth is, you can keep one foot in the marriage while getting the healing that you need at the same time. It's not always easy but it can certainly be done. I will discuss this more in the following article.
You Can Stay In The Marriage While Taking A Necessary Step Back: Staying in the marriage after infidelity doesn't mean pretending that everything is just fine when you both know that it isn't. It's perfectly fine to be clear on the fact that divorce is not an option in your family, but that there are still some issues which are near deal breakers which will need to be dealt with quite intensely.
I understand not wanting to displace your children and to protect them from the pain of knowing what has happened. Iagree that this issue should not affect them in any way. However, there are times when they are at school and / or sleeping or napping. There are times when you can talk and interact without them present. And, at those times, you should prioritize working through this. Because things can not go on with out addressing the elephant in the room unless you want for the pain, doubt, and betrayal to continue on.
You can still live in your home without living in the same marriage that you used to have. I believe that it's acceptable to tell your husband that you need some time to work through your thoughts and feelings without carrying on as though nothing happened. As long as you communicate where you are so that he won't make untrue perceptions, this is your right. You've been given a lot to deal with. It's very unrealistic to think that you can just carry on as though your world has not been shaken to the core.
Asking you to (if this is the case) is a disservice to and is very unfair to you. And, if you're the one who is putting pressure on yourself, then please stop this. You should allow yourself to take all the time you need no matter how long this works out to be until you are at a place of peace. Now, this may take a while and you will likely need some answers and help from him to get to this place, but you should do whatever it takes to move yourself forward.
Redefining YourMarriage After An Affair: I'm getting ready to discuss what I think is the most important issue in terms of healing after you've been cheated on. This lies with redefining your marriage. Often when people ask me how to "stay in the marriage," it's as though they are talking about doing the impossible, and they are speaking of returning to their old, stale, and damaged marriage. This absolutely should not be your goal. This gives you precious little to look forward to or to work toward.
Because think about it, rebuilding your marriage so that both of you are getting your needs met and are having an enjoyable time gets you to a place where you don't have to brace yourself to deal with it. When you are looking to the future with hope and happy anticipation, then you are certainly not so apt to look at the past. I'm not saying that it is easy to get here, but it is so possible. Countless people do it every day.
Sure, staying in a marriage after infidelity is a conscious choice and it's often not taken likely. You don't want to throw everything away that was so long term over one short term decision. You've worked too hard for your life and your family to turn your back now. But, while these are pretty thoughts, this is easier said than done. Often intellectually you want to get here, but the doubts remain and your emotions just don't follow. And this is where rebuilding becomes so vital. You must build a new, improved, and better marriage built on both of you being honest and open and willing to put in the work, vulnerability, and time that is going to be required to get you to a place of quiet confidence and peace.
Sure, right now you feel very hurt and scared. Doing this work with your husband may not seem like a lot of fun or what you want to do right now.There is no reason to rush yourself or move forward when you are not ready to. But, eventually taking the next step becomes worth it. Because building a new foundation allows you to build something new that is much more solid than before.
I know that thinking about moving forward can sometimes be very painful. And, you may struggle at first, but the effort is almost always worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com/ How To Stay In A Marriage When He Cheated Or Had An Affair
By: Katie Lersch
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