How to Avoid Your Ex in Cyberspace - a Breakup Guide
How to Avoid Your Ex in Cyberspace - a Breakup Guide
"It's over."
Well that was a lot easier to say than you thought it would be. You both agree it's time to move on. Your ex says maybe you can stay friends, but you need some time away, completely cut off so you can get back on your feet. After you delete a number and a few texts, you start actually looking forward to being single. Hopefully it'll be so long until you run into each other again, you won't remember their name.
But everyone is just so darn inter-connected these days. Unless you live under a rock, it's all but impossible to avoid a dreaded encounter with the ex. All it takes is one Facebook photo to throw you head on into a bittersweet fantasy of "what ifs," "what should have beens," before crashing down to the harsh reality of being single.
Gone are the days of tearing up a phone number and moving on with life, now replaced by compulsive cyber updates, intricate social networks pyramids, and impromptu photo uploads. The internet is a treacherous sea of information overload. And if you've just been dumped, it's man overboard.
So whether you come out on top at the end of the ride or get handed the knock-out blow, make sure you follow this simple guide to ridding yourself of the ex once and for all. Your cyber-self will thank you. And when you're done, check out some more dating tips.
Facebook
Facebook is the Fonzie of social networking sites. Love it or hate it, just about everyone respects it's "coolness." To the newly single, however, Facebook is a horrible Greek tragedy. It has an alluring taboo which allows a peek at a former life, a looking glass into the what-could-have-been, with the power to turn any headstrong individual into a compulsive voyeur.
Firstly, think about taking a few days off from Facebook. Go so far as deleting the site from your browser if you can't scratch the itch. If you can't see her profile, you won't be tempted to write anything you might regret. And you certainly won't post that video of you belting out "Nothing Compares 2 U" naked for her birthday, something that will eventually make its way to YouTube and prevent you from ever landing a job.
After a few days when the dust settles, you can finally face your profile. If you and your significant other are "Facebook Official," obviously go "Single." And make sure to change any interests, videos and fan pages only up there to please your former mate. But don't even think about an update involving a quote or song lyric that depicts a state of loneliness or re-birth. So, no lyrics from "My Heart Will Go On," nothing from Gandhi or Lincoln, and especially no self-written poetry. It is pretentious, and will make you look like an oaf.
Flickr
Flickr is Peter Brady. Cute and edgy at first, but with a crippling potential to run on and turn old fast.
Unfortunately, you will have to un-tag some pictures. Take a deep breath. You have not doomed them to an eternity lost in cyberspace. Some simple detective work will help you locate them in friends' albums if you do indeed one day decide to face them. And you don't need to delete all of them, either. Just the ones that bring you back to a time you hadn't already committed to memory. Anything that's fuzzy deserves to stay fuzzy; pictures convince you that every moment was perfect. But if that were true, it wouldn't be over.
More importantly, please don't bother your friends with overdrawn close-ups of grass or black-and-white portraits with Picasso angles, or anything you find to be "inspiring" after a break up. A shadow of a garden gnome swaying in the wind is not a metaphor for your bittersweet melancholia. It's just a lawn toy.
Twitter
Twitter is Alf. In desperate need of a distraction, the world turns to a mindless gimmick that we mistakenly believe is a sign of the future.
But if you've just been dumped, it can feel like nails on a chalkboard.
So out of courtesy, make sure all your friends' posts opining about "the breakup" be private. Exes think that everything you do still revolves around them; there's no need fueling the fire by rubbing it in his face.
Finally, on every platform, wait a couple of days before posting photos of you on John Mayer's tour bus in Maui, ripping tequila shots and posing with two Calvin Klein models. Assume your ex is at home curled up on the couch with a pint of ice cream watching a Friends marathon, desperately trying to keep it together. That was you last week, remember?
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