How to Not Lose Yourself in Your Relationships - The Little Prince Series

How to Not Lose Yourself in Your Relationships - The Little Prince Series

Daily Insight from the Story ofThe Little Prince

James Herriot is visiting another veterinary surgeon, Granville Bennet, who has particular skills with certain small animal surgeries, in this case a dog called Dinah.

With the surgery completed and the dog still asleep, Granville takes James to the local country pub, where Granville orders three pints of ale and downs them each in turn without stopping to take a breath. James, meantime, is still working his way down his first pint.

Granville has one of those personalities that are hard to resist. They are larger than life, filling the room, and inherently commanding.

So James, in this story from the books and television series All Creatures Great and Small, ends up gulping all three pints of ale, not enjoying them at all, because he can't define himself around such a strong personality in a social settingsomething he has no trouble doing in his work as a vet.

Why couldn't James just say clearly, firmly, and kindly that all he wanted wasone pint?

When someone has a dominant personality, let alone domineering, it's very easy to feel overwhelmed by them. We cave into them, failing utterly to "show up" for who we are.

We then go along with what they wish to doa problem that's particularly poignant when it comes to teens. Girls and boys end up being persuaded into sex, drugs, alcohol because they have such a need to "fit in" with their peers and can't stand on their own two feet emotionally.

Later in life, especially if we have been in a marriage in which we felt bullied, many of us find ourselves closing off to relationships in which we feel overwhelmed by the other person, particularly romantic relationships but also often family or friendssometimes going years without speaking to family members or individuals who were once close to us.

Life asks us neither to run for cover, avoiding the issue, not to allow ourselves to be taken over by another. On the contrary, such situations arise in order to bring out our ability to differentiate ourselves.

Differentiation is a bit different from individuation. It isn't just about being ourselves, but about being able to be ourselves and still be close to others.

Many of us can be ourselves to a fair degreeas long as we don't allow ourselves to become too close to someone. Differentiation requires us to be ourselves and be close, maintaining our sense of ourselves instead of losing ourselves in the relationship.

It takes some practice. And life daily furnishes us with just the situations we require in order to become strong individuals who chart our own course in life, yet who can also be closely connected with family, friends, and those we work among.

In the story of the Little Prince, this is symbolized by flowers that have thorns.

When asked why flowers have thorns, the pilot says the first thing that comes into his head just to shut the Little Prince up because he is trying to free up a bolt on his crashed airplane.

The Little Prince doesn't take this lack of attention well and responds, "Flowers are weak creatures. They are nave. They reassure themselves as best they can. They believe that their thorns are terrible weapons . . ."

It's a symbol of becoming a person who can set our own boundaries. We can define ourselves, and someone is going to find that we're not just the weak person they take us to be if they cross our boundaries.

But it isn't about attacking someone who crosses our boundaries. Thorns don't aim themselves like an arrow. They simply remain solidly in place, quietly and calmly doing their job.

To connect deeply with other people requires us to be a flower that's supremely attractive, while at the same time able to be peacefullyfierce if necessary.

This isn't a trait we have to try to develop. It's not a front we put on, an act. On the contrary, it's a simple matter of beingpresent.

You see, presence isn't just soft and welcoming, but also powerful and strong, able to take care of itself.

There's a wonderful book about this by Dr David Schnarch,Intimacy & Desire. It's not a Namaste book, but it dovetails perfectly with this blog. It shows how we become our own person in a very different way from how most imagine it happens. This book will open up a whole new understanding of what it really means to be yourself in relationships.

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