How to Ruin a Great Relationship
How to Ruin a Great Relationship
How to Ruin a Great Relationship
You know that feeling when you first realize that the person you're attracted to feels the same way about you? Slowly the realization dawns on you and you find it hard to believe at first. Then you start to spend more and more time with this person, because you realize there are no limits. She or he likes you completely and so you can completely be yourself. Other relationships seem guarded, suspicious, small and tiny by comparison. You neglect your friends. They don't like it. You don't care. You talk much more than usual and all your ideas seem new, fresh, and brilliant. All his/her ideas seem brilliant too. You never met such a brilliant person, or one who agrees with you so much, and with whom you agree so much. You feel free in the bedroom. Playful. You take your time, because suddenly you have all the time in the world. Why? Because other things aren't as important anymore. You're neglecting your work. Your boss notices it. You don't care. One day you realize you're ready to take the jump into a serious relationship. You know it; she/he knows it too. At the same time. You say yes. She/he says yes. You both say yes. The whole world and all your time in it is wrapped up in that yes. How long does that feeling last?
You better say "forever" if your spouse is in the next room!
The truth? Most of the time it doesn't last that long. And why? Because we work hard to wreck it. We work with diligence, patience, and resolution to destroy it and get our former lovers to hate us. Never mind why we do it. This is about how we do it.
How? Let me count the ways.
Start comparing your mate to some hypothetical person. Why doesn't he have a nicer house and a better fashion sense? Why isn't he well-read or literate? Why doesn't she like to travel? Start thinking like this: I deserve someone who likes to travel. Then ask more stupid questions in your mind: Why don't I ever get what I deserve?
Start counting what you do and what your mate does. Sure, I do sweet things: I pick up food for her on the way home. Oh, but she just goes about her business. And then she wants me to take her on a fancy honeymoon. Then move to the next stage of stupid thinking: Why doesn't she take me on a fancy honeymoon? I cooked him dinner. Why does he never cook? Will he ever clean out the closet? I cleaned it the last two times.
Stop being generous. I don't mean money, I mean the spirit of generosity. In the beginning you were generous, completely. Then what happened? You started comparing, you started counting. In the beginning you would do anything for your loved one. Now you won't lift a finger without a lengthy negotiation.
Don't make him or her feel special. Actually, make your mate miserable by getting into a power struggle. Maybe you know more than he about a certain subject. Maybe you make more money than she does. Maybe you're older and more experienced. Why did she want to be with you in the first place? You made her feel special, unique in all the world. Stop! Make her feel like the smallest, most insignificant mollusk burrowing into the muddy swamps of the Bayou. Then you'll be well on your way.
Most of all, forget that he is another person and not interested in everything that pops into your head. Talk to him like you would talk to a teddy bear or a diary with a lock and key. Treat him as if he doesn't have his own interests. When you talk to your friends, you try to acknowledge their interests, their problems, their sick mother. You leave out stuff that probably would bore them into an apoplectic state. Don't treat him like a friend. Treat him like a pet rock.
Congratulations! You've destroyed a true gift and now you can set about placing the blame. Remember, it's not your fault. It's her fault. She was never pleased with anything. She was critical. Her mother was a toad. Remember all that.
Wait: what if you didn't have to do these things? What if you did all the right things? Well, it may sound crazy, but that's the subject of our next essay. Stay tuned.
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