I Am In Shock And Am Floored That My Husband Actually Left Me. Advice For Wives Who Want Their Husbands To Come Back Home

I Am In Shock And Am Floored That My Husband Actually Left Me

. Advice For Wives Who Want Their Husbands To Come Back Home

I can usually separate the emails that I get from wives whose husbands have just left into two camps those who had previous warning and suspected that this day may someday come and those whowerecaughtcompletely off guard and are left in a state of disbelief. Yesterday, I got an email from one such wife. She was completely in shock and said that her husband's leaving had "come out of left field." She thought that her marriage wasgood enough. Sure, they had their problems like everyone else and yes, things had been somewhat tense lately, but she believed that they would just work it out like they always had in the past.

She was having trouble processing him leaving and formulating a plan about what to do now. She did not want to end her marriage and saw doing so as the worst case scenario and the last resort. But, she had no idea how to approach him, since his leaving spoke volumes about how he was feeling. In the following article, I'll outline how I told her to best handle this situation in light of her wanting to save the marriage (when she was the only one who wanted to at the time.)

Being Proactive Vs Reactive: It's absolutely normal and understandable to be devastated and to react strongly in this situation. But, I would caution you to try to use some restraint when you are around or talk to your husband. It's fine to come unglued around your friends or family. It's perfectly understandable to pace the floor until it's bare. But, don't allow your husband to witness this. Your goal right now should be to encourage him to feel negative feelings while he is away from you (about the situation, not about you), while feeling positive feelings when he thinks about you. This is the combination of feelings that is going to make him want to come home.

So, as angry as you may be and as tempting as it is to demand answers or to scream how selfish this is of him, try to reign these things in or at least tone them down. It's fine to tell him that this has hurt you deeply and that you ultimately hope that it turns out with your marriage still in tact. It's not OK (at least if you want to save your marriage) to proclaim that you can't live without him or give him ultimatums or to interrogate him.

Sure, you deserve answers, but you're more likely to get them if you approach him from a place of trying to understand this to see if you can fix it together rather than demanding answers so that you can debate this with him and ultimately change his mind. Honestly, the sooner you can churn through your feelings and come to a place of calm so that you can formulate a rational plan, the better off you're going to be.

Allowing Your Strength, Dignity, And Self Respect To Come Through: You always have to keep in mind what men generally find attractive. A wife who is not self sufficient and who depends on them for her own happiness and survival is going to feel very suffocating after a while. I do have husbands in this situation write to me and they often describe a wife who is quite literally stalking them calling constantly, showing up at their work, following them, acting completely sweet one second and then inthe blink of an eye becoming completely angry. This is a huge turn off and this behavior only makes the husband want to stay away.

In contrast, if you are able to draw upon your quiet strength and confidence and can portray yourself as a strong, self respecting woman who is able to take care of herself (even though she'd prefer to have her husband) this will often make a husband take pause. And, to take it one step further, I often tell women to wait a few days and then tell their husbands that although they were initially devastated, after having time to think on it, they've decided that some time apart could do you both good. Now, I'm not telling you to insinuate that you're going to do something you will both regret. Not at all. But, it's sometimes helpful for your husband to know that you're not sitting around waiting in vain for him to return. He needs to know that you're perfectly capable of carrying on and picking up the pieces with out him, although you'd like him with you if you had that choice.

Knowing When The Time Is Right To Broach The Subject Of Him Coming Back: If you remember nothing else from this article, I'd like for you to remember this. Always force yourself to move more slowly than you may want to. Your best case scenario is to show your husband your strengths, your dignity, and your best qualities during this break. Often, when you act the opposite of what he expects, he becomes curious and begins to contact you and initiate more time together. Don't over step and let your guard down or resort to old behaviors. It's much better to let him come to you. When he does, don't start asking where this is going to lead or push him to recommit. If you do, his alarm bells are going to ring that you've been manipulating him all along. Let him be the one to ask you if he can come back. This is really the only way to make sure that his heart is in it and that he's truly as committed as you are to saving the marriage.

When my husband left me, his mind was made up. He was going forward with moving out and then the divorce. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but save our marriage. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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