I Don't Think He's Really Sorry For Having An Affair
I Don't Think He's Really Sorry For Having An Affair
I often hear from women who are trying to cope with their husband's cheating. Many tell me that they are trying to move on, but that they are very bothered by the perception that their husband is not really and truly sorry for his cheating. I often hear wives say things like: "he's not really sorry that he had an affair. He's only sorry that I caught him and now he's having to pay for his actions. But, if I didn't know about this, there would be no remorse."
Interestingly, I often also hear from the husbands who cheated. Some of them tell a very different story. I often hear them say things like: "It doesn't matter how many times that I tell my wife that I'm sorry for this one lack of judgment. I could apologize for cheating every day between now and the end of my life, and she's still never going to believe me. I don't know what to say or do. I feel like I'm just wasting my breath. I would do anything to make this better for her but she doesn't listen or believe a thing that I say."
Why are these perceptions so different? The answer often lies in the different ways that men and women communicate and how often each are willing to admit their true feelings rather than relying on the tough shell that we all build around ourselves. I will discuss this more fully in the following article.
Why Men Sometimes Have Trouble Showing That They Are Really Sorry After An Affair: Here is my theory on this based on what I hear from men. Most of them really are quite remorseful. But there are many things at play here. They are embarrassed. They are ashamed. They also know for a fact (at least in their own minds) that the faster they are able to stop talking about this and to sweep it under the rug, the better for everyone involved. See, they hate seeing that look in your eye and that pain in your voice. They want for this discomfort to end as soon as is possible. So, they figure if they clam up and push you to move on, then they can end the pain much sooner.
Also, it's often their inclination to hesitate to talk about their feelings, especially when those own feelings indicate any vulnerability or perceived weakness. They are going to be reluctant to tell you how they were afraid that they were getting old and undesirable and that, as the result, they were stupid enough to act on these insecurities. They don't want to tell you how bad they feel because they know that you feel worse and that they don't deserve any consideration. So, they will often try to avoid discussing this all together.
And sometimes when you get angry about this, they will make a half hearted attempt to satisfy you with empty words. When this doesn't work, they will of course perceive themselves as slighted and will then come out with all of the assertions that no matter what they say, it is never enough.
Considering A Husband's Actions (Rather Than His Words) To Determine If He's Really Sorry About The Affair: I often tell women that since most men are not good at communicating their remorse or how they really feel, you have to use their actions as a compass about if they are really remorseful or not. A man who is truly sorry about cheating is going to (even if he does so with dragging feet) be willing to work with you to as best he can to make things right.
He may be a poor communicator, but he'll likely be willing to do what is asked of him. Sometimes though, you are going to have to spell out for him exactly what is going to help you heal. I know that this can feel unfair and I know most of us feel like he should just "know." But usually, he does not. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or is not sorry. It means that the two of you have different ways of communicating and expressing yourselves and unfortunately, this is just something that is common between men and women.
But, typically once you tell him that you need for him to check in more, to seek some help or counseling with you, to be honest with you about what happened and why, and to give you the reassurance that you really need, he will often step up to the plate. Men who are truly sorry will generally try to comply with this, although their efforts may be clumsy and may fall short of what you really wanted.
Overall though, you sometimes have to take a step back and look at the efforts that they are making. If they are falling short, again, sometimes you will have to help them to tweak things. This can feel unfair and forced. But, it's also the only way that you're going to get what you truly want and need. So, while he may not be saying the words that you want to hear, you can make sure that he is making the efforts that naturally flow out of the words he is unable to say, but really does mean.
Sure, there are some men who are not really sorry for the affair. But, many are. You can often tell the difference by looking at their actions rather than their actual words.
My husband never said the right words that made me believe he was sorry. But over time, his actions did. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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