I Feel So Lost And Angry Since His Affair
I Feel So Lost And Angry Since His Affair
I often get emails from women who have recently learned about their husband's affair. I know that the days and weeks following this might feel as though you are in a fog and sometimes you're not even sure how you will get out of bed or put one foot in front of the other. I recently received an email from a wife who felt this way. In her email, she kept mentioning that she just felt "lost," "angry," and "alone" and "stuck." She wondered what was wrong with her and why she had seen some of her friends cope much better while she was struggling so profoundly.
She was judging herself very harshly as many of us do and it really bothered me. Because there was nothing at all wrong with her or with the way that she was handling things. She was doing the best that she could in a very painful situation that can shake your world to it's very core. But she was likely worrying about what everyone else was thinking and feeling rather than just caring about herself and her own healing. This too, is almost universally normal, but it is part of the reason that you'll sometimes feel stuck and lost.
In the following article, I will share some of the tips and advice that I gave this wife in the hopes that some of it would help her to navigate her way in the days and weeks to come.
Finding Your Own Way When You Feel Lost After His Affair: The first thing that you must accept is that every one's experience and response to this is going to be different. This is no right or wrong. It's only what is right or wrong for you. And your feelings are likely to change dramatically over time. This too is normal. It doesn't mean that you are indecisive or not strong or not able to cope. It just means that you are experiencing the changes that come with your having more time to process this as well as having more information and perspective.
In the beginning stages, you are often reactive. What I mean by that is that you're sort of just reacting to what is coming at you without any time to really reflect or think about it or to even evaluate what is healthy, right or best. You can only react to things and information in the order that you receive it and there's unfortunately not much that you can do about this as you're unable to control how and when this comes at you.
What you can control though is how you protect and shield yourself during this process. Resist the urge to place judgments on yourself or to evaluate how you are handling this. Know that you are doing the best you can with a situation that no one would wish on their worst enemy and leave it at that. Vow not to make any life changing decisions or to do anything that can't be taken back or fixed in the beginning when you are feeling out of control or lost.
Believe it or not, things can look and feel quite differently in time. That doesn't always mean that you will change your mind, but it does mean that you will usually have more control over your conscious choices and reactions. Give yourself the time to come to this place at your own pace. There is no finite time frame. When you get there is when you get there and if you rush the process you will often regress without really knowing why you are taking a step backward. It's better to take your time, to take the feelings as they come, and to not make judgments about what you are feeling.
Navigating The Challenges When You Feel Stuck After His Cheating: I know that this can be frustrating, but there is no time line as to when you will be ready to begin to move forward. Don't pressure yourself to live up to what someone else thinks you should do when they are not walking in your shoes. When you are ready, you will feel it. And when you are, there are some things that I always recommend addressing.
To the best of your ability, you will want to try to figure out some of why this happened. You can not hear or read your husband's thoughts or feel what he felt. So knowing exactly why he made this costly mistake is not going to be completely possible. But most of the time, you can get a general idea where the vulnerabilities were. This is important because you will need to feel like you have addressed these things so that you aren't always dragging these doubts with you in the future.
Second, you will want to do some work on yourself. I don't say this because I think that this is any of your fault or because there is anything wrong with you. I say this because I have been there and I know the doubt that you are likely feeling. This doubt is one of the main things that will keep you stuck. You wonder if you can handle this if it happens again. You wonder if you have the ability to evaluate what he is telling you. And you wonder why you were so naive that you didn't see it coming.
All of these thoughts are normal, but they are a road to a very destructive place. The sooner you realize that this isn't your fault but that you can help yourself by seeing that you get what you need, the better off you will be. I say this in the kindest sense possible because I've been in this place. You need to build back up your confidence and self worth so that you know that you can handle anything that comes your way with competence and skill. And you have to demand and ask for what you really need and accept nothing less than what you really want. These things will require for you to build up your confidence so that you are secure in getting these things for yourself because you know that you absolutely deserve them and you love yourself enough to demand them.
Women will often tell me that it feels as if they are bogged down in quick sand. They don't know if they want to stay or if they want him to go. They don't know what to believe anymore. They don't know if they want to block out what he says or if they are compelled to listen because they really want the answers.
I was the cheated on, not the cheater, in my relationship. So, I know exactly how the "cheated on" spouse feels. But, I also know that healing and moving on is possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
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