I Gave Him Space But He Still Wants A Divorce. What Can Or Should I Do Now?

I Gave Him Space But He Still Wants A Divorce

I Gave Him Space But He Still Wants A Divorce. What Can Or Should I Do Now?

I recently heard from a wife who was very confused as to what had happened in her marriage and where she went from here. About six months ago, her husband had come home and told her that he needed some "time" for himself. He felt that he wanted some time apart to determine if the marriage was something that he wanted to continue to fight for. The couple have been having some potentially serious issues, but it seemed that the husband was losing his patience.

The wife complied with the husband's request. She was hoping that the time away would make him see what a mistake he was making, but apparently it didn't, because last week, the husband called the wife and told her that he wanted a divorce. Of course, she knew that this was a possibility, but this didn't make it any less difficult.

She said, in part: "I gave him what he asked. I gave him his space. I let him move out. But now that I've done what he asked, it doesn't matter. He still wants a divorce. How did this happen? And where does this leave me now?"

I will try to discuss these concerns as best as I can in the following article.

Sometimes, Husbands Have Their Own Agenda When They Ask You For Time: Of course, I did not know either people in this marriage. I had no way to know how the husband actually felt or what was motivating or driving him right now. But, I do sometimes hear from husbands in this situation. And sometimes, they have their own agenda when they ask you for space. For whatever reason, some don't actually take the space or think all that hard about saving the marriage. They use the time apart as a stepping stone to their new life or something happens during the separation process (which may not even have anything to do with you) that nudges them toward divorce. Some men actually have a divorce in their mind the entire time, but they are hoping that the space and time will suddenly change their mind. Some husbands do eventually change their mind and others don't depending on their own mind set, perceptions, and experiences.

Determining If Anything Went Wrong While He Had His Time And Whether You Can Still Change His Mind: In this case, the wife did eventually come to admit that she hadn't actually given the husband what he had asked for. Yes, he had moved out. But the wife was constantly present and often called, texted, and came over without invitation. This is very common in situations such as this one. Like many women in this situation, the wife was driven by fear. She was so afraid that if she backed off, even just a little bit, she would lose the ground that she couldn't afford to lose.

Looking back, she realized that her constant presence may have done more harm than good. Many times, it was obvious that the husband was getting annoyed with the entire process. But, the more he tried to pull away, the more threatened she felt and so she felt compelled to act rather than think.

Unfortunately, this backfired. It was entirely possible that the husband felt that in order to get the time that he had asked for and still wanted, he was going to have to pursue divorce to obtain it. Unfortunately, the last several weeks had already passed. The wife couldn't take the last several weeks back. Her task at hand right now was dealing with reality as it was. The question was whether there was still time and room to turn things around. I didn't have this answer for her. Sometimes there turns out to be enough time and things do end up working out. And sometimes they don't. But regardless, the wife still had control over her actions and herself, which leads me to my next point.

Determining What You Can Control And How To Proceed: Right now, it was clear that the wife didn't have control over the husband's actions. She couldn't hand pick his feelings. But, she did have control over the emotional environment. And, she could control her own actions. She decided that she would try to take the high road and focus on the positive. I felt that was the right way to go because she did not want to add negativity onto an already difficult issue. And, another thing to consider is that a divorce is not typically an instant process. There is a little bit of time between the point where someone files for divorce (which the husband hadn't even done) and when it's final.

So, there was some time to try to reestablish a positive relationship and connection and to hopefully give the husband his space and to let the process work. Admittedly, she hadn't done this before. Nor had she necessarily presented herself in a positive way. Of course, there was no guarantee that doing to was going to change the husband's mind or convince him to call off the divorce. But deep down, the wife knew this was the best plan for her.

It's my experience that when you place your focus on the positive and present yourself as strong, capable, and coping, not only do you present the strongest portrayal to your husband, you also put yourself in a situation to feel better about yourself. This will often translate into a sense of confidence and calm that leads to a much better environment and a potentially better outcome.

Nothing said that the wife couldn't show her husband (and herself) the fun loving engaged woman that he used to love being around. This would likely be more preferable to the clinging, unsure, and panicked person who had been present for the last few months.

After my husband left, I did not understand these principles and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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