I Think My Marriage Is Ending And I Don't Know How To Save It: Insights That Might Help

I Think My Marriage Is Ending And I Don't Know How To Save It: Insights That Might Help

I often receive emails from spouses who know that they are the last man (or woman) standing in their marriage. It's beginning to look like it's the end of the road and they are mourning this. They don't want for this very important relationship to end. They are not ready to give up on this life, to throw away these memories, and to start over somewhere else.

They are often very firm in these beliefs. But, unfortunately, sometimes they are the only one in the marriage who feels this strongly. The other spouse may no longer be receptive to working things out. Typically, the spouse with one foot out of the door feels that they are only spinning their wheels and that everything that could be tried already has been, so why continue to play a game that can't be won?

And see, this is the heart of where the two parties disagree. The spouse who wants to save the marriage will typically believe that this game can in fact be won. But they don't know how to begin playing the game. This article will focus on how to do just that. I won't be focusing on legal strategies or using negativity to get your way. Instead, I'll be focusing on a strategy that uses human nature and focusing on the positive to change the course of things.

The Only Thing You Need To Convince Your Spouse Of Right Now Is That Things Can Slowly Improve: Often, when people know that they are the only one who wants to save their marriage, they will panic. They can not stand the thought of the other spouse pulling the trigger and filing for divorce or leaving. So, the spouse who does not want to end the marriage will place their focus on the very thing that they fear the most.

They will pull out all of the stops to try to get their spouse to call off the splitting up. What they really want is reassurance and some indicators that their spouse is changing their mind. In short, they push for way too much way too soon. In the race to save your marriage, slow, steady, and gradual is usually the best way to go.

The main problem that you likely have is your spouse's belief that things can not change. Your spouse believes that this is the end of the road and that there's no formula that is going to change that. They often comment on my blog that they feel "there's nothing left." Or, that the spark is just gone as the two of you have grown too far apart. So, they are no longer looking at you as part of them. They are looking at you as an individual who might not be as big a part of their life in the near future.

This is what you gradually must change. You have to take baby steps to show them that things can indeed improve and that the process won't be painful and impossible. In fact, you're the one whose going to be taking the initiative at least at first. They just have to get with the program eventually.

Any Effective Plan To Save Your Marriage Should Focus On The Positive Not The Negative: People will typically go all out with the negative emotions when their back is up against the wall. In the initial phases of this, they will try to debate, argue, guilt, play mind games, or attempt to "play hard ball." When this does not work, then they will try the sweeter strategy. They will pour on the affection. They attempt to use sex. They will pretend to be someone else. The problem is, their spouse knows the difference between what is real and what is not.

They've already seen and fallen in love with the real you. This is what they want to come back. And pushing and bringing on the negative emotions will usually only backfire. Anytime someone is faced with a situation that makes them feel worse about themselves or their situation, they will want to get away from this. Self preservation is just a part of human nature. At this time, they perceive that they might be better off not being married to you. This is one major obstacle that you need to remove.

I know for certain that focusing on positive emotions is much more effective. Do this mean that you have to pretend that your heart isn't breaking or that everything is fine when it is anything but? Of course not. It just means that you should conduct yourself with integrity. You want to show him that the person he fell in love with is still there. You want for him to remember her with longing so that he too begins to doubt that the marriage should end.

Gradually Luring Your Spouse Back To You And The Marriage: Many times, people really do understand that focusing on the positive makes sense. But they don't know how to go about this. Well, the first thing that you want to do is to tell them that you're calling off the way things are going. Tell them that although you don't want to end the marriage, you are tired of the fighting and the drama and are not going to engage in it anymore. Tell them that is silly when the whole goal of this is for you both to be happy. Sure, you want to be happy together. But right now, you'll settle for just interacting in a positive way to preserve the relationship no matter what the relationship ends up being.

Of course, we both know you don't want the relationship to change. But, if you're no longer pulling so hard, he's no longer going to resist you quite as much. He needs to know that you aren't a threat and that interacting with you is not going to turn out badly.

Finally, don't try to solve all of your problems right now all at once. Yes, you will need to get to the heart of why the marriage is in trouble. But now is not the time. Right now, your only concern and focus should be to take baby steps toward restoring some harmony in the way that the two of you interact. You're trying to build a foundation on which you can begin to climb your way back up.

It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was really over. I knew that it wasn't over for me and I refused to give up. But, for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to change the dynamics of our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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