I'm Not Sure If I Can Forgive Him For An Emotional Affair
Many of the emails that I get about emotional cheating andaffairs indicate that the
writer feels that emotional cheating is far worse than physical cheating especially in the eyes of wives. It's far easier to explain away a physical thing that supposedly meant nothing than it is to tolerate an emotional connection or vulnerability. I do understand this thinking as I share it. However, infidelity is infidelity whether it was the emotional or the physical variety. In truth, both types of cheating often have components of the other anyway. And both types require hard work, commitment, and patience to over come. That doesn't make one easier or harder to handle than the other. I'll discuss this more in the following article.
Why An Emotional Affair IsSo Hard To Forgive: Before I tell you how you can begin to heal from this, I must tell you that I understand why the thought of forgiveness is so difficult. Your spouse should be the person closest to you in the world. You entrust each other with your deepest, darkest secrets and your best and worst hours and this of course leaves you very vulnerable. Many of us (and rightly so) assume that this is absolutely reciprocal, that our spouse can and never would share this special bond with someone else.
So, when it seems to us that they have, then this is the worst betrayal imaginable. We begin to wonder if this unbreakable bond was all in our head or if we were the only one who truly appreciated it enough to honor it. This of course will drive you crazy and make you doubt that any thing that you perceived or believed was actually true. These doubts and fears are understandable, but they do absolutely nothing to facilitate your healing. Try as hard as you can not to dwell on this. You absolutely deserve and should seek answers, but at the end of the day, sometimes you have to accept that you may never fully understand this, just as you may deep down know that you yourself would never go down this path.
How To Begin To Forgive Emotional Infidelity: First off, you must give yourself time. This is a process that just can not be rushed. You need the time to process, to grieve, to determine what you truly want, and to understand, (once the shock and anger begins to abate), how you really feel. Give yourself as much time as you need for each step of this process.
Second, you must not blame yourself. You must not allow this to make you feel badly about yourself or to feel that this was in any way your fault. People cheat for reasons that often have more to do with how they feel about themselves than about how they feel about you. It often their own doubts, their own insecurities, and their own issues that drive them to this. Sure, they will tell themselves that the marriage was in trouble or that something was missing or lacking, but we all know that there were other ways that they could have dealt with that. They chose not to. This makes this their responsibility and not yours. Do not take on more blame or responsibility than you need to.
Next, it's important that you try to take an honest look at where the vulnerabilities are in yourself and in your marriage. This can be difficult to do, as it often requires honesty that reaches the level of pain. But, until you shine a light on these things, you can not properly address them. Whether you believe this now or not, this can be a unique opportunity to uncover and then address the things in your life that need improvement. This can be painful at first, but the pay off is going to be worth it. Because once you fix these things, they will no longer drag you down, or contribute to your vulnerabilities or doubts.
Finally, you must believe that you are worth these efforts. If this process weakens your self esteem, then do whatever you need to do to rebuild it. It's important that you are very clear on what you deserve and what you will then ask for. Because if you have not fully healed or asked for and then received what you need, then you are always going to be plagued with self doubt and therefore this infidelity is going to follow you around like a life sentence. Use this as an opportunity to move forward, not back.
Understanding That Forgiving Is For Your Benefit, Not For Theirs: If you chose to forgive, do it for you not for them. In truth, if you do it for the right reasons, it is for your own mental health. Clinging to the negative and the painful things in life only prolongs your agony. There comes a point where you have to make a choice to move on or to cut your losses. If you are not yet to a point where you have enough information to make this call, it's perfectly OK to tell your husband that you need more time and will let him know if and when you get there. But, forgiveness is not for him, it is for you.
It's a decision that you make because you no longer want to leave with fear, jealousy and doubt. It's saying goodbye to the past and hello to the future. It's knowing that you will perceive things and move forward to the best of your ability, but if you cross roadblocks, you are more than capable of dealing with them.
I know that forgiving emotional infidelity is a difficult thing, but it can be so worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
I'm Not Sure If I Can Forgive Him For An Emotional Affair
By: Katie Lersch
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